Nuttall plans to spend more time on Nuttall studies after a busy summer
Paul Nuttall VC, DFC, has quit as UKIP leader, to pursue a PhD in Paul Nuttall studies.
“I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in politics, so it’s time to move on.” said Nuttall today, explaining his decision to step down after ten years as party leader.
In the short term, I’m taking a quick holiday with Richard Branson, to chat about old times, but I’ll be back to coach Andy Murray again Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News
The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?
Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.
“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading
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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News
Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?
Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.
Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.
“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”
It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News, Police, Politics
“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May
The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.
“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”
“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News
Shit flushed away
Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.
By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.
Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.
Roger Moore, Continue reading
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Filed under Media
EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after
EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.
Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.
Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading
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Filed under Brexit, Election 2017, News
Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive
Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.
“Compared to how I’m doing, my marmalade exporting was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.
The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.
“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, Health, News, Politics
The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?
The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”
“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News
Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?
Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.
Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics
Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter
Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.
“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.
“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.
“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading
What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?
Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.
“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.
“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading
He’s even got his own little badge
Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.
“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”
“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”
“Then, when the staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading
Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny
The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”
Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.
“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”
“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”
Scientists made the prosthetic hand more lifelike than the original
Harold scientists have developed a prosthetic hand with extraordinary grasping powers, inspired by the limbs of well-known yacht enthusiast, Sir Philip Green.
Dr Rachel Guest explains: “Our new device bypasses usual hindrances like common decency, by incorporating the so-called Green technology chip into a myoelectric hand.”
“Once it detects stored wealth, say pensioners’ life savings, the prosthetic limb can grasp everything not actually nailed down, then hide it in a Monaco bank account held in trust by the other hand.”
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Filed under Business
Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”
The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.
“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent Continue reading
Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.
Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.
Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.
The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes
Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.
“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”
Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.
“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading
He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair
But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.
In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading
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