Tag Archives: Stephen Fry

“Self-pity’s only good when it’s mine” says Stephen Fry

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At least we’ll always have General Melchett. Hold on to that thought, it’s beautiful

Stephen Fry, a man who has thrown repeated self-pitying strops on social media, has said that “Self pity is the ugliest emotion in humanity” and undaunted by the sound of the Global Irony Klaxon threatened to topple from National Treasure to pompous trumpspunket by linking self-pity and child abuse saying: “It’s a great shame and we’re all very sorry that your uncle touched you in that nasty place – you get some of my sympathy – but your self pity gets none of my sympathy.” Continue reading

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Twitter quits Stephen Fry

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“Where’s it gone?”

Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.

This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.

“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
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Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17:  Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading

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Users complain that masturbating over new iPhone makes it sticky

iPhone-6-Coming-in-2014Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.

The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.

One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading

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Asset stripping government to sell off Stephen Fry

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.

“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading

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Newspaper archiving contract awarded to local chip shop

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Archive ‘tablet and gravy compatible’

A contract to archive Britain’s Most Online Regional Newspaper has been won by local chip shop owner Stephen Trawlerman.

Back-up versions of the Evening Harold will be kept safe for future generations, in a specially labelled ‘electric area’ at the back of ‘The Stephen Fryer’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson welcomed Harold’s niche on the world wide internet, claiming it would be ‘immensly good’ for local tourism. “With his easy talk of clouds, terry gigaflops and 40 pence for a tray of scraps, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d like a saveloy with that”, claimed Ronsson.

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