Tag Archives: Spoof news

Shrugging competition to decide French Election

“So?”

With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them.  A shrugging competition.

Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.

Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, Politics

New Hollywood musical Carry On Up The Oscars looks set to be a blockbuster

Wasn’t he in Star Wars?

Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.

Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.

The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Media, Showbusiness

Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Filed under Space, TV

Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

trump hat

Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

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Filed under Politics, science, Social media

Donald Trump and Boris Johnson to star in new Dumb and Dumber movie

trump and trumper

Remind us, which one’s Dumber?

Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.

The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of  two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip  to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.

“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.

“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”

 

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Filed under Children, Movies, Politics

Church sues Heinz for turning innocent poster into ketchup logo

Do you want friars with that?

Do you want friars with that?

The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.

The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.

The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.

The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.

It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.

“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.

“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”

“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”

“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”

“Lucky, really.”

As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.

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Filed under Food, Religion

Rabbits commemorate death of Richard Adams by f*cking all day

Rampant rabbit

Rampant rabbit

Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.

Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.

As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.

“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.

“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”

“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”

Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”

“Fancy a shag?”

 

 

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Filed under Nature, Obituary, Sex

Glastonbury moving every year ‘to hide from Coldplay’

Revellers flock to new venue

Revellers flock to new venue

The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.

The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.

Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.

“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”

“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”

“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”

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Heimlich manoeuvre inventor dies after getting stuck in lion’s throat

"It's more of a gesture"

Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.

Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.

Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.

“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”

“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”

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Filed under Food, Medicine, Nature

Jennifer Lawrence to be new face of Anusol

Piles of talent

Piles of talent

Jennifer Lawrence’s embarrassing Hawaii ‘butt-scratching’ incident has finished with a happy ending after the actress received a five-digit approach from the makers of “Anusol” to be the new face of their rectal itching remedy.

A spokesperson for chemical giant Pfizer thanked Lawrence for raising awareness of this delicate condition, explaining that it is not uncommon for sufferers to face vilification, abuse or even backstabbing.

“We sufferers of anal discomfort do not choose when we need to scratch, and society frowns if we simply put our hand up and admit it.”

“Very often there is nothing else to hand but a sacred monument of some kind, and it’s a case of ‘needs must’.”

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Filed under Movies, Religion

Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Kanye West deadly serious

He's not joking

He’s not joking

Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.

The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, News

Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Oliver_Letwin_Official-300x300

Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Thatcher’s estate to auction ‘that Tank’

thatchertank

On the lookout for an Argie, or an Arthur

A Challenger Tank once driven by Margaret Thatcher, is to be sold in aid of orphans Carol and ‘Sir’ Mark Thatcher.

Chuffed by the sale of a red ministerial box for £242,500, the family are keen to sell some other things that taxpayers thought they’d paid for.

The dusty Battle Tank, ‘found’ in a mews lock-up near her last home, with its keys still in the ignition, will shortly go under the hammer, as will Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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Filed under News, Tony Blair

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial

tony-blair

Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War