France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.
Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.
In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.
“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”
“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
Following the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.
“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.
Having a real baby to kiss will stop Ed having to use his imagination
With around 18 months to go until the next General Election, the three main political party leaders and Nick Clegg are encouraging young, good looking and fertile couples to start reproducing to ensure a healthy supply of babies to kiss during their campaigns.
In what is seen to be the last tradition that still allows grown men to kiss strangers’ children, the act is seen by many spin doctors as a good way to make the front pages and gain votes without having to be held to account on policy.
“If these preferably beautiful couples start creating little bundles of electoral gold now, then they will be 9 months old at the height of the Election Campaign” ex-labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell explained. “Politicians are at their core, a little bit thick. Having a few nine-month-old pieces of political capital spread around a meet and greet gives them a diversion from real people asking questions on policy.”
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With the plan to cap energy prices not going down as well as expected, Ed Miliband is expected to take a another big gamble and cap the price of Baked Beans.
Ed ‘man of the working class’ Miliband told the Labour conference that his energy plan would save ordinary families £150, meaning the saving from five ‘ordinary family’ houses would be enough to pay for his new £750 conference suit.
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