Tag Archives: Guardian

“Jeremy Corbyn turned Rio pools green,” says Guardian

greenpool2

*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”

In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading

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Filed under Olympics, Politics

Guardian blames Jeremy Corbyn for floods

He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.

As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.

“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading

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One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

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If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem

It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.

“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading

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Filed under Media

Guardian journalists debate ‘where did Labour go wrong?’ over bottles of Krug NV Grand Cuveé

dancona champers

D’Ancona proposed a ‘bottoms up’ redistribution.

As the shock of Labour’s election rout slowly wears off, Guardian journalists are debating where it all went wrong over bottles of Champagne and sliced Parmigiano-Reggiano.

“I think Ed failed to connect with the worker people who do things with their hands, shop people, and the like” said Matthew d’Ancona after his third glass.

“He should have done more photo-ops with those Northern men who wear funny hats with a torch on them and go underground to get stuff. Then the worker hand-stuff people would have warmed to Ed and trusted him to spend their money wisely.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Media

“It’s just performance art that got out of hand” Guardian newspaper confesses that it’s not real

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Alan Rusbridger: Guardian editor

Flamboyant artist Alan Rusbridger has admitted that the Guardian newspaper is merely a performance art piece that got way out of control.

“I never imagined it would be so popular,” said Rusbridger. “All we do is troll our readers by insisting that everything but everything is sexist and racist and claiming to love the Lib Dems.” Continue reading

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UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness

Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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Filed under Education, Medicine, science