As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Evening Harold
Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.
Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.
An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.
“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”
“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”
“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”
Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading
Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.
Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.
The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading
Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.
“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading
Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.
In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading
“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”
“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they Continue reading
Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt. Continue reading
Compelling evidence that the world isn’t real but a computer simulation that’s gone tits up in a crappy suit, Donald Trump, has told a press conference that he is proud to have pardoned Scar, a hirsute regicide from Pride Rock. Continue reading
Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.
“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading
An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading
Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.
Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading
Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.
“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Alec Fairchild from Harold, who was interviewed on behalf of the Sun. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t remember Continue reading
Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.
“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.
“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading
A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.
“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”
He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading
A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.
“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”
“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”
The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.
Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.
“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.
“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading
President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.
The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading
The Royal Navy’s biggest boat sailed into Portsmouth today and naval chiefs are already bragging about how powerful it will be, after its aircraft arrive in 2023.
“Don’t mess with us, is the message.” said Defence Minister Harriett Baldwin, who was once in the Sea Cadets so definitely knows what she’s talking about.
“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…” said Baldwin, running her hand along a railing in a slightly disturbing manner Continue reading