Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Paul Nuttall quits to spend more time in his imagination

Nuttall plans to spend more time on Nuttall studies after a busy summer

Paul Nuttall VC, DFC, has quit as UKIP leader, to pursue a PhD in Paul Nuttall studies.

“I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in politics, so it’s time to move on.” said Nuttall today, explaining his decision to step down after ten years as party leader.

In the short term, I’m taking a quick holiday with Richard Branson, to chat about old times, but I’ll be back to coach Andy Murray again Continue reading

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Father Christmas returns to Narnia at last

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas

Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading

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PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News

Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Cthulhu rises in order to vote Conservative

Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading

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Family day out to Cerne Abbas Giant “ruined” by naked man

OK, let’s get this over with: Looks a bit of a prick. Happy now?

A family’s half term trip to Dorset has ended in tears thanks to the streaking antics of an as yet unidentified thrill seeker.

Richard and Beatrice Cooper, with their young children Dorcas (6) and Wilbur (3) had hoped to take advantage of the school holiday and get some culture in the South West. Staying in Dorchester, they had ‘edutainment’ visits to the Dinosaur Museum, Tank Museum and Max Gate planned.

Also on the itinerary was a trip to the Cerne Abbas Giant. “We’ve always been very open with the children” said Beatrice “and Dorcas is very mature for her age, so we weren’t worried about her seeing the Giant, or his enormous todger. And of course Wilbur has a willy of his own, he knows it’s nothing to giggle about.”

But their hope for historical edification was left in tatters when a naked man streaked across the chalked turf. Richard was horrified. “I had just passed Dorcas the binoculars so that she could take in the full majesty of the iconic erection when it happened. She was in tears. A controversial chalk boner is historical gold, but a random flaccid member bobbing over the fields? It’s too much.”

Local neopagans are disgusted by the streaker, and have sworn to perform “ceremonies” to cleanse the site of unwanted nudity.

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PM vows to reverse Police cuts of David Cameron’s “dreadful” Home Secretary

Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?

Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.

Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.

“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”

It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading

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May confirms “difficult decisions” means difficult for someone else

“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May

The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.

“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”

“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading

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Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

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No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading

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Katy Hopkins: Shit gets flushed

Shit flushed away

Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.

By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.

Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.

Roger Moore, Continue reading

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“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
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EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading

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Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading

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Posh parents letting their kids run wild in restaurants now UK’s leading cause of stress

Do they come with a mute button yet? Has science sorted that out?

A new study from the University of Dunstable has confirmed that nothing has a more stressful impact than trying to eat while little Allegras and Milos are allowed to go tonto as their parents knock back the wine and congratulate themselves on how free-spirited their highly gifted progeny are. Continue reading

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NHS budget data report only being delayed “because it’s awful news” says Hunt

Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive

Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.

“Compared to how I’m doing, my  marmalade exporting  was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.

The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.

“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading

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Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading

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May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?

The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”

“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading

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School hopes new minister won’t have time to reorganise before summer break

Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?

Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.

Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading

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Election latest: MPs wish they were important enough for Russia to hack

We’re with Bad Vlad on this one. Who honestly wants to know more about these people?

With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading

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