Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

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Caribbean braced for more shit flying through the air as Boris plans to jet in

Another day, another flying stunt

With Boris Johnson due to visit later this week, Caribbean people are facing their sternest test to date.

Battered and bruised almost beyond recognition yet somehow still the Foreign Secretary, Johnson hopes UK foreign aid money might help restore his reputation to its Continue reading

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Call for tougher border controls on Tony Blair coming back into the UK

Happier times, when he was out of the country

Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.

Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.

An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.

“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”

“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg “still right about everything”: this week, abortion.

Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation

“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”

Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading

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Forget nuclear war worries: Wills & Kate have been at it again

Probably a Royal Command Performance

Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.

Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.

The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading

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Yellow Pages to go entirely online: police mourn loss of vital confession tool

So many guilty looking types, so little time

Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.

“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading

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Liam Fox: “EU mustn’t blackmail UK” (he himself has never been blackmailed)

“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”

Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.

In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading

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David Davis explains slowness of Brexit talks: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s not fair.” Davis is upset that the EU is clearly negotiating in its own best interests,

“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”

“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they Continue reading

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Best seat belt awareness campaign ever is twenty today

It only takes a second to be safe and it could’ve saved us from both endless conspiracy theory bulltwang and Paul Burrell ever becoming a thing

Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt.  Continue reading

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Trump defends controversial presidential pardon of Scar the lion

According to Trump there’s very bad lions on both sides of this

Compelling evidence that the world isn’t real but a computer simulation that’s gone tits up in a crappy suit, Donald Trump, has told a press conference that he is proud to have pardoned Scar, a hirsute regicide from Pride Rock. Continue reading

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Ex- plumber Conor McGregor: £100M “not that much for a Saturday night job”

Conor McGregor explains his call-out fees

Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.

“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading

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Support group for those who still can’t believe Trump is president overwhelmed

Look at that face, is that really the so-called Leader of the Free World? We’d prefer Mr Pastry

An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading

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Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

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Royalist idiots want a say on who is their next hereditary monarch

Laughing Boy is still waiting but will he get the votes?

Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.

“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Alec Fairchild from Harold, who was interviewed on behalf of the Sun. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t remember Continue reading

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Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office

Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.

“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.

“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading

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Porsche 4X4 driver says yes, he is entitled to use up to 75% of the road

I’m very,very rich so in town I park on the pavement

A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.

“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”

He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading

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A level results less relevant than birth weight two seconds after you get your first job

Claim you went here and got lots of O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts, no one will ever check

A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.

“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”

“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”

The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.

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Tom Cruise breaks his leg whilst jumping off his wallet

“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”

Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.

“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.

“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading

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Trump rows back on conceding Charlottesville violence may not have been entirely the victims’ fault

Donald Trump showing off with his one times table

President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.

The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading

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Defence Minister warns world “Don’t mess with us in six years’ years’ time”

“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…”

The Royal Navy’s biggest boat sailed into Portsmouth today and naval chiefs are already bragging about how powerful it will be, after its aircraft arrive in 2023.

“Don’t mess with us, is the message.” said Defence Minister Harriett Baldwin, who was once in the Sea Cadets so definitely knows what she’s talking about.

“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…” said Baldwin, running her hand along a railing in a slightly disturbing manner Continue reading

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