Tag Archives: DWP

Exasperated IDS: “causing real misery is why I created the benefit cap!”

Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”

Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.

“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading

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Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Point to your right, Iain

The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
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DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

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The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

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IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

ids

Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

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DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

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Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

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PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’

cameronpointing

Calm down dear. Then make me a cup of tea, there’s a good girl

David Cameron has shrugged off a Court of Appeal ruling that the so-called bedroom tax discriminates against so-called domestic violence victims.

The ruling followed legal challenges by a woman with a panic room in her home, but the DWP had argued that she ought to ‘stand up for herself and grow a pair’, adding  that they might issue loans for abused women to learn martial arts and improve their employability.

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IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

IDS-larfing

Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants

An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.

Duncan Smith explained  how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.

“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading

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DWP force obese 900 year old man to do worldwide parcel delivery job

father christmasThe DWP has ruled an obese 900 year old man ‘fit to work’, and fully capable of delivering millions of parcels on Christmas Eve.

Department of Work and Pensions spokesperson Neville Satan defended the health and disability assessment ruling, saying the organisation scrupulously applied the standard ‘is the person dead?’ test to their Northern client.

“Mr Claus may be 900 years but he managed to the parcel delivery job last Christmas” said Mr Satan. “He’s done sod all since then so as far as we are concerned it’s back to work you fat, lazy bastard.”
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IDS assisted dying vote dilemma: “Which would cause the most pain?”

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It’s a tough choice – which would hurt more?

“As a Catholic, I usually prefer people to suffer for as long as possible.” said Iain Duncan Smith today

“On the other hand, every scrounger who does the decent thing and offs himself… well it’s one less begging mouth for us normals to feed, isn’t it?”

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IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’

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This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding

Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.

“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading

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Iain Duncan Smith recovering after operation to remove final traces of compassion

Iain-Duncan-Smith

Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.

Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.

“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading

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