This won’t calm anyone down after a tough day. It tastes like arse and not in a good way.
The globe is set to be stricken with an increase in drone attacks and attempts at bringing democracy to places now that decent chocolate has been taken off the shelves across the United States.
“I’m already feeling a lot more tense,” said US Secretary of State, John Kerry. “Without a Freddo to get me through my afternoon slump I’m much more quick-tempered and prone to making mistakes at work. And in my job if I mess up I’m taking you all down with me.” Continue reading
Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.
The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.
Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.
A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”
“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”
Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”
“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”
After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”
Not. Diet. Food.
No. Of course it couldn’t.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.
The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.
“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”
Filed under Easter, Religion
Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.
The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.
“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading
Crimewatch ‘very keen’ to recreate scenes from sale frenzy.
A ‘sale frenzy’ in a local chocolatiers that led to 14 arrests has been attributed to an undiagnosed diabetic.
‘Brown Dollops’ of Harold, purveyors of novelty chocolate excretions, opened their doors to a rowdy crowd of shoppers at 9am this morning only to have to close them again at 9.22.
“It was bedlam”, said shop assistant Diane Orrocks. “There were at least 7 customers jostling to be served first. That’s as many punters as there are days in a week”, lending proof to manager Brian Oswald’s claim that Orrocks is a keen amateur mathematician.