Tag Archives: Brexit

Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.

Dear Jean,
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.

I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.

I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?

Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).

Yours as ever in splendid isolation,

  • Theresa

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Brexiters oppose Scots having a vote on Scottish independence

“Another prick and a wall”

Brexiters believe the UK voting to leave the EU is nothing like Scotland voting to leave the UK.

“You simply can’t compare people wanting to regain sovereignty with other people wanting to regain their sovereignty. Any fool can see they’re not the same thing at all.” said Jacob Rees-Mogg Continue reading

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Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Point to your right, Iain

The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
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Brexit voters decide they don’t want a sovereign parliament after all

It’s immature but we want to caption this: ha ha ha aha ha ha. So we are

Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading

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Blair returns to UK politics: perfect end to a perfect year

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He’s the hero we deserve

Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.

Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”

“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”

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“It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right”: Brexit Time Warp is crap, complain dancers

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Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control

The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.

As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”

“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”

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Time for humans to stop lecturing us about jumping off cliffs, say lemmings

"Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone."

“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”

After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.

Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
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Daily Mail calls for death penalty after Brexit judges seen not wearing poppies

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Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law

The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg “Yes, I do know more than the High Court about the law, actually.”

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Jacob. You can make up your own caption

Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.

Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading

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Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

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“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading

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Brexit Britain: watching Countryfile to be compulsory

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Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT

Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading

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UKIP refugee, Steven Woolfe upset to be refused entry to other parties

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Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind

Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.

“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”

A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed.  Continue reading

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Tense nation looking forward to a good, hard Brexit

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Brexit lifts us up where we belong

Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.

“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading

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Theresa May acting like Tudor monarch as six wives and terminal syphilis disclosed

Hans Holbein

Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?

Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading

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Brexit voter literally up shit creek after failing to find Polish plumber

fat edl memberGavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.

“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”

Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
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Lord Vetinari takes control of the UK

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At last a leader with convictions, intelligence and razor-sharp cheekbones

The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.

“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading

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Labour MPs turn backs on serving country to serve only themselves

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How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?

The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading

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Larry the cat will be in place as Prime Minister in days, Cameron confirms

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We think he’ll do a purrfect job. Purrfect, get it? Purrfect. Please yourselves.

Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.

“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading

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Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

EuThe Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
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Britain First member confused why he still has no job or girlfriend after Brexit

'An orderly queue please, no pushing'

‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’

A few months after Brexit, Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise.

“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
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