Tag Archives: Brexit

Grayling gives £108m contract to Bryan Ferry

Theresa May has defended legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling after it emerged that Grayling has unwittingly bestowed a £108m nautical transport contract upon former Roxy Music singer Bryan Ferry.

“Well he sounds like a boat,” insisted a haunted-looking ministerial spokesperson this morning. “You have to admit he sounds like a boat, and that’s definitely better than a company with no boats.”

“Isn’t it?”

Millionaire singer Ferry is currently enjoying a solo tour in Australia, and has presumably little interest in post-Brexit medical supply chain logistics, despite the fact that his son is a fox-hunting toss bag.

Nevertheless, the front man pronounced himself “delighted” with Grayling’s unexpected largesse, and announced his intention to spend the money on wild animals for his son to torture.

Prime Minster May refused to condemn the now psychedelically ludicrous misadventures of her Transport Secretary, insisting that Grayling is “the best man for the job.”

“Believe me,” she confessed. “I’ve looked at all the others, and they’re actually worse. He really is the turd de la turd.”

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Lib Dems’ invitation to join Independent Group lost in post

Is it still this one?
The Lib Dem party have confirmed that they are yet to receive an invitation to join the new “Independent Group” of MPs, but are not concerned as these kind of things often get lost in the post.

Many commentators have noticed that the mission of the newly-formed Independent Group is to be a centrist anti-Brexit party – a mission not entirely un-identical to that of the Liberal Democrats themselves.

“It’s only a matter of time,” insisted the Lib Dem leader, whose name we are quite frankly too lazy to Google. “They’re probably shy, being a new party and all, with us being so historic and respected.”

“There’s no question that they are deliberately excluding us from the most significant political movement in years, which happens to be exactly what we stand for too, just in case anyone has forgotten.”

“Or it’s just in the post. Yes, that’s what it’ll be. Has the postman been yet? Oh.”

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Theresa May sees writing on wall, quits Conservatives to join Independent Group

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she is ‘disgusted’ with the direction in which the Conservative Party is being taken, and has joined the brave group of ragtag MPs in the ‘Independent Group’.

In a strongly-worded letter to herself, May spoke movingly of the disastrous handling of the Brexit negotiations and the Tory party’s lurch to the right, adopting Ukip policies and pursuing a hard Brexit. “Dear me,” she wrote. “I no longer feel I can remain in the party of a government whose policies and priorities are so firmly in the grip of the ERG and DUP. “Brexit has re-defined the Conservative party – undoing all the efforts to modernise it. There has been a dismal failure to stand up to the hardline ERG, which operates openly as a party within a party, with its own leader, whip and policy.”

“What a heap of shit, quite frankly. Whoever got us into this mess has a lot to answer for!”

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Exchange of letters between May and Corbyn reaching unbearable level of sexual tension

The exchange of letters between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn has reached an unbearable level of sexual tension, according to insiders.

What started as a series of communications setting out their respective parties’ positions on the Brexit situation has flared into a burning peak of frustrated desire, it is believed.

“It’s like something out of a Richard Curtis film, only exciting and passionate,” explained one breathless Downing Street staffer.

“You could cut the tension with a knife around here, it’s like a sexual time-bomb waiting to happen.”

Extracts of the highly personal communications have been leaked to the press, and confirm the long-suspected animal attraction between the two party leaders.

In one robust, brooding letter, Corbyn calls for the government to rework the political declaration setting the framework for Britain’s future relationship with the EU – and then enshrine these new negotiating objectives in UK law.

Responding in a late-night note possibly written on scented violet Downing Street stationery, the PM stressed her objections to keeping the UK in some form of customs union, saying this would prevent the UK making its own trade deals.

In his reply, dripping with understated longing and Brut men’s body spray, the Labour leader insisted that without changes to May’s negotiating red lines, he did not believe that “simply seeking modifications to the existing backstop terms is a credible or sufficient response to the need for a deal with the EU that can bring the country together and protect jobs”.

Proud and aloof, Theresa May scribbled a cruel response haughtily rejecting Corbyn’s idea of “dynamic alignment” – automatically keeping the UK in step with EU standards – saying this should be a UK decision. But her mind a lustful whirl, she was unable to resist adding: “In the interests of building support across the house we are also prepared to commit to asking parliament whether it wishes to follow suit whenever the EU changes its standards in these areas.”

“For God’s sake, take me, you crazy Socialist fool.”

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Wait a minute, they’ve got no ships, announces Grayling

Legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling finally realised today that the shipping firm to whom he awarded a £108m Brexit contract actually has no ships.

Despite the very obvious gaping sea-void where ships ought to be, which was noticed by everyone else within five minutes of the contact being announced, it seems that Mr Grayling has only just made the leap of logic required.

“It’s ridiculous,” he insisted to a group of ashen-faced journalists this morning. “I mean, come on, they don’t have any ships! What idiot signed this off?”

“And it gets worse,” he continued, to general awe from his audience. “Have you seen their website? It looks to me like they’ve only gone and copied the terms and conditions from a pizza delivery company!”

“Why does no-one notice these things? I mean, you’d have to be some kind of incompetent moron, wouldn’t you?”

Grayling was quick to reassure everyone that now he is onto this, the ludicrous contract has been cancelled, and there will be no repeat of this kind of fiasco.

“Forget ferries, we’re now seeking providers for an airline freight company to fly over all the medicines and things we’ll be desperately short of,” he explained.

“There’s one here in the phone book called Domino’s – they deliver in 15 minutes, apparently – I’ve already sent them the cheque.”

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New emojis for 2019 include wheelchair user, guide dog and Jacob Rees-Mogg burning in fires of hell

A total of 230 brand-new emojis are set to arrive to major platforms this year including a wheelchair user, guide dog and leading Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg burning for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

The Unicode Consortium – a computing industry standard for the consistent representation – released its official list of emojis for 2019 on Tuesday, revealing new additions across a number of categories including animals, culture and corrupt arseholes dragging this country into the shitter.

Following a proposal from Apple last year calling for more emojis to represent people with different disabilities, Unicode has announced the update will include people in wheelchairs, people with prosthetic limbs and service dogs.

All of these will be pictured dead, to represent exactly how long anyone who isn’t rich stands a chance of staying alive after a no-deal Brexit.

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MP Daniel Kawczynski says Britain survived losing WW2, so Brexit will be fine

Befuddled Tory MP Daniel Kwaczynski has defended his statement that Britain would easily be able to cope with a no-deal Brexit, given our record of recovering after losing World War Two.

Mr Kawczynksi confused many people with his original tweet on Saturday, in which he seemed to have forgotten that Britain, as one of the Allies, actually won the Second World War.

Thousands of people replied to the bizarre tweet to correct him, mostly through the medium of abuse.

Defiant to the last, the giant tosser doubled down on his earlier statement, insisting on Monday that he had obviously meant to say World War One.

“Mistake anyone could make, but my point remains,” insisted
Mr Kwczynksizxczxc. “Or was it Trafalgar?”

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Yes of course we voted to starve to death, insists Sunderland

UK limited
Following the news of Nissan moving its operations to countries not on the brink of civil war, the population of Sunderland have insisted that starving to death was exactly what they were hoping for when they voted ‘leave’.

There had been suggestions that the largely leave-voting population of the area might have some regrets since it emerged that they’re all going to starve miserably to death, but locals insist the opposite is true.
“Mad” Barry Renfield, spokesloon for the pressure group Workers for Famine, maintained that the Brexit camp in the area had never been stronger.

”Yes, we might lose a few jobs. Lots of jobs. In fact, all the jobs. But we won’t be losing them to foreigners.”

”Apart from in the sense that the work we were hitherto employed to do will now be undertaken by a workforce in Japan, but that subtlety has completely eluded me.”

”In any case, there will always be work to do. Picking scraps of flesh off rotting corpses with a charred bone might not be what we thought we’d be doing, but we support it 100%, and we’ll roll our sleeves up. If we haven’t had to eat them to fend off starvation a few agonising days more.”

“Yes, the young will eat the old, the wolves will eat both, and piles of ash and excrement will tower over the remains of our homes, but we totally knew that when we voted!”

“It’s not all doom and gloom anyway. I’ve heard whispers there’s a German company moving into town. Funny name – ‘Schaden’ something? ‘…freude’, is it? Do they make fridges?”

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Queen to be encased in carbonite if Brexit turns ugly

British officials have revived emergency plans to freeze the Queen in carbonite and blast her into space should there be riots in London if Britain suffers a disruptive departure from the European Union.

“These emergency evacuation plans have been in existence since the cold war but have now been repurposed in the event of civil disorder following a no-deal Brexit,” the Sunday Times said, quoting an unnamed source from Cloud City on the gas planet of Bespin.

Jacob Rees-Vader, Sith Lord and keen supporter of Brexit, told the Mail on Sunday he believed the plans showed unnecessary panic by officials over a no-deal Brexit.

But an ex-police officer formerly in charge of royal protection disagreed. “If there were problems in London, clearly the Queen would be well-protected in carbonite” he was quoted as saying.

“If she survives the freezing process, that is.”

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BBC reports May to be dropped on Brussels from Lancaster bomber

The BBC has blamed “human error” for a suggestion on its News at Six that Theresa May would be delivered to Brussels for Brexit talks by being dropped from a second world war Lancaster Bomber.

But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.

At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.

In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.

“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”

The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.

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Dyson launch ‘moral vacuum’

Sucks harder than anyone else
Sir James Dyson, the British billionaire inventor and outspoken Brexiter who has recently fled to Singapore, has proudly launched a new product, the Dyson “Moral Vacuum”.

The Moral Vacuum is designed to have 100% less integrity than rival products, and comes in cordless, bagless, spineless and gutless models.

“It’s a very simple concept”, explained one of the company’s senior engineers, shortly before packing his bag and high-tailing it out of the shitstorm his boss helped provoke.

“You just place the Dyson Moral Vacuum ™ into a country where people are struggling to cope with ideologically-driven austerity, and watch as all rational debate is sucked out, leaving the public debate 100% free of common sense, and replaced with whiter than white fear of foreigners.”

“It’s also amazing at reducing stubborn tax bills to nothing!”

Dyson’s panic run to the other side of the world comes at a time when many big companies are mysteriously moving their operations out of the UK. Sony is moving its European headquarters deep into the dope-smoking centre of Amsterdam, where apparently people make more sense than here, while P&O Ferries have just announced that their name now stands for Pissing Off.

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HM Queen ‘to take back control of Parliament’

Taking back control of the steering wheel.
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.

“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.

The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.

“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths  in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”

It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.

The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.

“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”

As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.

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Flatulent darts player accidentally leaks Rees-Mogg’s Brexit plan

Pro-hard-Brexit Conservatives have had their plans thrown into disarray after their secret rival proposal for exiting the EU was ‘leaked’ by a professional darts player.

Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.

As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena,  a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.

Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”

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1922 Committee receives 66 million letters of no confidence in Theresa May

Crowd queuing politely to deliver their letters of no confidence

Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.

“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”

“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”

“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”

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Banksy-inspired Brexit Deal will shred itself the minute it’s signed

‘Mrs May as a child, reaching for Dreams’ isn’t the title.

A brand new Brexit Deal, drawn up by Banksy, will self-destruct as soon as it is signed.

The framework for the Deal is being kept a closely guarded secret, but insiders say it satisfies the demands of Leavers, Remainers and the EU.

“At first glance, the work lacks detail,” said Harold artist Beryl Blythe who was granted access to the piece, “but, when you step back, you see he has managed to stencil-in a solution to the Irish Border issue, draw up a workable plan for continuing trade and solve the question of free movement, all with lovely flowing lines and soft forms.”

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Boris Johnson’s wife votes Leave

Pfft and harumph

Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.

“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”

Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.

“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”

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Spider season: householders urged to keep them for post-Brexit trading

Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer

It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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Crayfish removes claw to escape Brexit fan in pub

Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release

A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.

Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.

At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.

As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.

At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.

Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.

 

 

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Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

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UK citizens urged to cut off noses to take control of their face

Suppositories in human form

Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.

Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.

“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
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