“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”
Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Filed under News, Politics
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Be worth buying just to get that splendid flag
Beautiful day you have to spend indoors made flesh, Philip Hammond, faces embarrassment over a leaked dossier which reveals that his only plan for keeping the United Kingdom afloat post-Brexit is to start selling bits off. Continue reading
Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?
Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.
“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”
“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”
Blimey, Harry’s not aged well
Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.
“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”
“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”
“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”
A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
The Black Pig is now sixty-five per cent of the entire Royal Naval fleet.
In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading
You want to be the meat in that sandwich, you know you do
Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading
Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
“Execute Order 66…er…I mean Article 50.”
At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading
The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.
I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.
I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?
Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).
Yours as ever in splendid isolation,
“Another prick and a wall”
Brexiters believe the UK voting to leave the EU is nothing like Scotland voting to leave the UK.
“You simply can’t compare people wanting to regain sovereignty with other people wanting to regain their sovereignty. Any fool can see they’re not the same thing at all.” said Jacob Rees-Mogg Continue reading
Point to your right, Iain
The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
It’s immature but we want to caption this: ha ha ha aha ha ha. So we are
Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading
He’s the hero we deserve
Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control
The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.
As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”
“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”
“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”
After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law
The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading
Jacob. You can make up your own caption
Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.
Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading
Filed under News, referendum
“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”
For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.
After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading