This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger
Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.
“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading
Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.
“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading
Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?
While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading
“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”
There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.
“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading
This one’s laughed so hard it’s fallen over
Badgers across the UK are currently laughing themselves moist over the panic about false widow spiders.
“It’s hilarious. The government made out that we were public enemy number one,” said Harold badger Manky Kevin. “Now you humans think a spider nip can make your cock drop off you’re not so worried about us possibly giving a few cows a bit of a cold, are you?” Continue reading
Let he who has never dressed up as badger, messed around with some fake weapons and then gone into the woods and boned a complete stranger cast the first stone.
There was chaos in Harold woods last night when DEFRA licensed badger cullers stumbled across a furry convention. The cullers had been engaged in the old country art of lamping (using lights to detect badgers eye shine and then shooting them) when they ran into a different kind of target.
“We were following a trail and then suddenly through the darkness I saw this massive badger, must’ve been six foot at least,” said Phil Evans, local farmer and badger culler. “And I thought ‘bugger me it’s a good job they’re culling the stripy sods if there’s giant mutant ones knocking about.’ It was only after I’d let off a couple of shots that it occurred to me that badgers don’t usually carry swords and scream ‘please no, oh my God put the gun down’ before you shoots ’em.” Continue reading
Not keen on needles? How about guns?
A new scheme to replace the controversial MMR vaccination with a cull of any children who “look a bit poorly” is set to be trialled in Somerset and Gloucestershire despite outrage from opposition groups.
The MMR vaccine is given to young children to protect them against measles, mumps and rubella but has been linked to autism and other serious side effects in the past, despite doctors insisting that it is safe. These concerns have lead to alternative methods of containing the spread of these contagious diseases being explored, with a cull of sick children now being the preferred option.