“No-one remembers who finished fourth”
England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”
England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.
“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”
“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”
Filed under News, World Cup
Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training
The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.
“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”
“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
Make the most of it – sharing this will be illegal after December
Amendments to the UK’s Hate Crime and Terrorism laws mean any mention of the 1966 World Cup will be illegal after 31st December 2016.
“The number of survivors from English football’s solitary success is dwindling and the rest of us are sick to the back teeth of it all.” said whoever is now the Minister of Culture Media and Sports” In fact, we actually hate it, which is how we’re able to ban it under Hate Crime law.”
” This weekend’s anniversary will be awful, with Bobby Moore shirts up to your arm pits and endless re-runs of the final. Like watching The Sound of Music. On a continuous loop. They think it’s all over? It bloody well will be, after New Year’s eve.”.
Filed under 1966, World Cup
Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’
A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.
“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”
The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.
“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”
Currently on the run: may be delusional.
England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.
Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading
A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn
Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.
“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.
Filed under Media, World Cup
“Just a few finishing touches needed”
Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.
With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading
Police have prevented a group of eleven comedians from boarding the England World Cup plane as it left Luton Airport on Sunday.
According to officials, the men were wearing identical suits to the England travelling party, and were masquerading as professional footballers.
It was only after airport staff noticed the squad’s obvious lack of co-ordination and inability to keep possession of their luggage that the alarm was raised.
After being interviewed by police, the men confessed they were merely taking part in a comedy team called “England”, in which they play the roles of fictional sportsmen.
“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”
At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.
”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”
Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading
“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”
Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.
“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading
“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”
Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.
The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.
Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading