Category Archives: World Cup

Glorifying England’s 1966 World Cup win will become illegal from next year

BobbyMoore2

Make the most of it – sharing this will be illegal after December

Amendments to the UK’s Hate Crime and Terrorism laws mean any mention of the 1966 World Cup will be illegal after 31st December 2016.

“The number of survivors from English football’s solitary success is dwindling and the rest of us are sick to the back teeth of it all.” said whoever is now the Minister of Culture Media and Sports” In fact, we actually hate it, which is how we’re able to ban it under Hate Crime law.”

” This weekend’s anniversary will be awful, with Bobby Moore shirts up to your arm pits and endless re-runs of the final. Like watching The Sound of Music. On a continuous loop. They think it’s all over? It bloody well will be, after New Year’s eve.”.

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New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

fissure

Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

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‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading

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Local man inspired by Phil Neville

unicorn

A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

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Amazonians agree to move allotments from England World Cup game pitch

"Just a few finishing touches needed"

“Just a few finishing touches needed”

Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.

With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading

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Eleven comedians prevented from boarding flight to World Cup

spoof_england_team

Obvious imposters

Police have prevented a group of eleven comedians from boarding the England World Cup plane as it left Luton Airport on Sunday.

According to officials, the men were wearing identical suits to the England travelling party, and were masquerading as professional footballers.

It was only after airport staff noticed the squad’s obvious lack of co-ordination and inability to keep possession of their luggage that the alarm was raised.

After being interviewed by police, the men confessed they were merely taking part in a comedy team called “England”, in which they play the roles of fictional sportsmen.

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England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

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Super-Rich List fallout: Chelsea to sack Abramovich?

mourinhoabramovic

“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”

Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.

“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Sport, World Cup

England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft

philjonesinjured2

“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading

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