Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training
The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.
“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”
“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading
England football fans are panicking that their 4 yearly bout of misery is turning totally pear-shaped and they might just win the World Cup.
Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss.
What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?
Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.
“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”
“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”
“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”
“Have I been there yet?”
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
A Harold man managed to fulfill his fantasy of sliding down a ice slope in a giant cheese sandwich and, as a happy by-product, represent the UK at the Winter Olympics in the double luge event.
Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.
“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly.
Captured on camera, Duckett shamelessly ‘playing cricket’
England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.
Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading
Conor McGregor explains his call-out fees
Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.
“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading
“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”
Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.
Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading
Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.
BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.
“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading
Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash
Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.
“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.
He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading
Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”
With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.
“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.
Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.
It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.
He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.
He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.
“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.
“Look at the positives, we always get to leave before the rush”
McLaren’s F1 drivers, Fernando Alonso and the other one, will start at the back until 2018, to stop them interrupting the race itself.
“Without this new rule,” says former F1 driver, David Coulthard “other cars taking grid penalties might push the McLarens further up the field, from where their woeful engines will make them dangerous, slow-moving mobile chicanes.”
Race organisers highlight another important safety issue; if, as seems likely, the McLarens need a push start, Continue reading
Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling.
Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of Manchester United fans who appear to have gone missing since Sunday afternoon.
The appeal comes after vast numbers of fans described as “generally sociable and outspoken” abruptly stopped replying to any form of contact from around 4.01pm yesterday. Continue reading
In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
Tom Daley; we would
Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.
Speaking about their win, Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.
Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading
Holding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.
“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes
Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.
Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading
Maria Sharapova let out an orgasmic scream of delight on learning her 2 year ban only applied to tennis, and not grunting or screaming.
“EeeeeewwWWWWWHHHHHH” said Sharapova on hearing the news. “WeeeeehaaaaaaawwWWWWWW, uummmppfff.”
One of the top screamers in the world for a number of years, Sharapova expected to be silenced for taking volume enhancing drugs, but incomprehensibly authorities only banned her from hitting furry green balls.
Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match
Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.
As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading
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