Category Archives: Sport

Ex- plumber Conor McGregor: £100M “not that much for a Saturday night job”

Conor McGregor explains his call-out fees

Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.

“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading

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Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

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BBC apologises for athletics interrupting expert analysis

Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.

BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.

“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading

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Justin Gatlin thanks his lawyers and the drugs industry for his success

Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash

Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.

“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.

He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading

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Daily Mail on Mo Farah: yeah, but he didn’t sing the National Anthem

Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”

With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.

“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.

Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.

It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.

He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.

He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.

“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.

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F1 news: McLaren’s engine penalty is “having Honda engines”

“Look at the positives, we always get to leave before the rush”

McLaren’s F1 drivers, Fernando Alonso and the other one, will start at the back until 2018, to stop them interrupting the race itself.

“Without this new rule,” says former F1 driver, David Coulthard “other cars taking grid penalties might push the McLarens further up the field, from where their woeful engines will make them dangerous, slow-moving mobile chicanes.”

Race organisers highlight another important safety issue; if, as seems likely, the McLarens need a push start, Continue reading

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McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Police appeal for information in search for thousands of missing Man United fans

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Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling.

Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of Manchester United fans who appear to have gone missing since Sunday afternoon.

The appeal comes after vast numbers of fans described as “generally sociable and outspoken” abruptly stopped replying to any form of contact from around 4.01pm yesterday. Continue reading

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Official Olympic muggers only taking Omega watches, Visa cards and Big Macs

olympic muggerIn a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.

The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.

“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”

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Tom Daley’s team mates strike Olympic diving Gold

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Tom Daley; we would

Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.

Speaking about their win,  Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.

Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading

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Rio Olympics causing transport chaos, say London commuters

Surbiton trainHolding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.

“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
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Pukka Pies and Bisto announce new partnerships with England football team

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.

Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading

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Sharapova relieved 2 year ban doesn’t apply to screaming

Maria Sharapova screamsMaria Sharapova let out an orgasmic scream of delight on learning her 2 year ban only applied to tennis, and not grunting or screaming.

“EeeeeewwWWWWWHHHHHH” said Sharapova on hearing the news. “WeeeeehaaaaaaawwWWWWWW, uummmppfff.”

One of the top screamers in the world for a number of years, Sharapova expected to be silenced for taking volume enhancing drugs, but incomprehensibly authorities only banned her from hitting furry green balls.
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Final list of scapegoats for England’s Euro 2016 failure announced

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Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match

Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.

As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading

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Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

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Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

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Serena Williams drug test reveals lovely glossy coat and cold nose

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She’s got Pedigree, chum.

Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.

Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.

The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.

It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.

Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.

A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”

“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”

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David Sullivan insists JFK would be OK if his motorcade had turned up a few hours before

jjfk

The late John F Kennedy

After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.

“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading

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Leicester fan struck by lightning twice while attempting to collect on 5,000-1 bet

Mr Green counted his chickens a bit too soon

Mr Green counted his chickens a bit too soon

A jubilant Leicester City fan’s attempt to collect on his 5000-1 bet was twice thwarted by lightning strikes just outside his local Ladbrokes. Unlucky fan Brian Green not only received 3rd degree burns, but his £20 winning bet was completely incinerated.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Green said he was still over the blue moon about Leicester City winning the league, and being hit by lightning and losing £100,000 was just ‘one of those things’, albeit one of those things that occurred twice in a 30 minute spell.
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Man raises thousands as workmates sponsor him to listen to other workmates’ marathon stories

London MarathonAn astonishing display of self-sacrifice saw a BT worker raise £79,000 for charity after being sponsored to listen to other workmates’ London marathon stories.

Dunstable engineer Stephen Guy said he conceived the audacious plan a year ago after observing fellow workmates losing the will to live as they listened to runners they sponsored recount their marathon at a pace considerably slower than real time. One workmate’s comment ‘I sponsored him 10 quid to run the race but I’d gladly pay 100 quid if he stopped talking about it’ particularly struck a chord.
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Tragedy after fancy dress marathon runner turns out to be actual escaped gorilla

Violent, but does a lot of great work for charity

London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people.

The gorilla, an impressive male silverback named Kumbuka, was the pride of London Zoo’s “Gorilla Kingdom” until an inexperienced keeper forgot to close a security gate.

Kumbuka somehow made his way to Greenwich Park, where thousands of contestants were preparing for the start of the marathon, and inevitable disaster ensued.

“It seems that this magnificent gorilla may have got enraged after stumbling into a huge crowd,” explained Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn.

“That, and the fact that someone pinned a great paper number onto his chest.”

In the turmoil that followed, race sponsor Richard Branson had his head ripped clean from his body, but this was soon followed by genuine tragedy after several real people were killed.

Celebrity father David Furnish was among those who narrowly escaped, in a three-man pantomime horse costume, the other occupants of which we are sadly unable to report on.

To make matters worse, police marksmen proceeded to shoot the wrong gorilla with a tranquilliser gun, leading to the near-certain closure of a Dunstable day centre due to lost sponsorship money.

Looking on the bright side, Kumbuka ended up finishing the marathon in a highly respectable time of 3:18:27, shortly after Dame Kelly Holmes, but just seconds in front of the pursuing David Attenborough and his tiring film crew.

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