Category Archives: NHS

NHS considers barring Jeremy Hunt from walking in

That feeling you get when you bang your funny bone made flesh and given a Cabinet position, Jeremy Hunt, is a clear threat to the nation’s wellbeing but is banning him from turning up at hospitals whenever he feels like it the solution to preventing a winter health crisis? Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt clarification: “making Mental Health work more attractive to staff won’t involve me resigning.”

Come on back. Your old desk still has your tear stains on it

Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.

“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading

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“Just stop it! Abusing hospital staff is my job” says Jeremy Hunt

“Threatening doctors and nurses is my job”

Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.

“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading

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Theresa May promises the biggest expansion of lies on workers’ rights by any Tory party

Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter

Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.

“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.

“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.

“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt gets wrong end of the stick and welcomes record rise in NHS stats

What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?

Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.

“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.

“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading

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Hunt says the “10,000 more NHS staff in psychiatric hospitals” will be there as patients

He’s even got his own little badge

Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.

“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”

“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”

“Then, when the staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt promises NHS “more of the same medicine” if Tories win

Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny

The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”

Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.

“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”

“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”

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Hospital patients “enchanted” by waiting room banter

“I felt a bit of a prick, nurse.”

Bob Price, an 82 year old former boxer, delighted the many people waiting at Dunstable Royal Infirmary outpatients department for blood tests this morning with his relentless banter.

A stalwart of many a waiting room, Mr Price greeted each new arrival with a cheery “I’ve been waiting here since 8.30am you know”, following that up with “there only seem to be two nurses on at the moment”, “they all go home at noon” and “it didn’t used to take this long at the Walsgrave”. Continue reading

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Literary critics hail Chancellor’s petrol tank analogy

Saving it all for a rainy day.

Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.

“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
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Nothing compares 2 Q: Hunt getting good lowdown tingle over record NHS waiting times

‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’

Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.

“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”

“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading

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NHS team up with Disney World for tips on queue management

NHS trusts in the UK have teamed up with U.S. based Disneyworld consultants to help manage increasing pressures on hospital queue targets.
Heading up the Disney team is Roy Peterson Jr, whose overarching strategy is clear: ”Who on earth would want to reduce queues? That’s where your quaint little doctors and nurses game has gone wrong – it’s all about optimising the size of the queue and then keeping people distracted whilst they are waiting – easy”. He went on “And FREE at the point of service? that stinks, we’ll be introducing a new smart wristband in the Autumn, one easy fee for up to 3 extra treatments per month”. Continue reading

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