Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she is ‘disgusted’ with the direction in which the Conservative Party is being taken, and has joined the brave group of ragtag MPs in the ‘Independent Group’.
In a strongly-worded letter to herself, May spoke movingly of the disastrous handling of the Brexit negotiations and the Tory party’s lurch to the right, adopting Ukip policies and pursuing a hard Brexit.
“Dear me,” she wrote. “I no longer feel I can remain in the party of a government whose policies and priorities are so firmly in the grip of the ERG and DUP.
“Brexit has re-defined the Conservative party – undoing all the efforts to modernise it. There has been a dismal failure to stand up to the hardline ERG, which operates openly as a party within a party, with its own leader, whip and policy.”
“What a heap of shit, quite frankly. Whoever got us into this mess has a lot to answer for!”
The exchange of letters between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn has reached an unbearable level of sexual tension, according to insiders.
What started as a series of communications setting out their respective parties’ positions on the Brexit situation has flared into a burning peak of frustrated desire, it is believed.
“It’s like something out of a Richard Curtis film, only exciting and passionate,” explained one breathless Downing Street staffer.
“You could cut the tension with a knife around here, it’s like a sexual time-bomb waiting to happen.”
Extracts of the highly personal communications have been leaked to the press, and confirm the long-suspected animal attraction between the two party leaders.
In one robust, brooding letter, Corbyn calls for the government to rework the political declaration setting the framework for Britain’s future relationship with the EU – and then enshrine these new negotiating objectives in UK law.
Responding in a late-night note possibly written on scented violet Downing Street stationery, the PM stressed her objections to keeping the UK in some form of customs union, saying this would prevent the UK making its own trade deals.
In his reply, dripping with understated longing and Brut men’s body spray, the Labour leader insisted that without changes to May’s negotiating red lines, he did not believe that “simply seeking modifications to the existing backstop terms is a credible or sufficient response to the need for a deal with the EU that can bring the country together and protect jobs”.
Proud and aloof, Theresa May scribbled a cruel response haughtily rejecting Corbyn’s idea of “dynamic alignment” – automatically keeping the UK in step with EU standards – saying this should be a UK decision.
But her mind a lustful whirl, she was unable to resist adding: “In the interests of building support across the house we are also prepared to commit to asking parliament whether it wishes to follow suit whenever the EU changes its standards in these areas.”
“For God’s sake, take me, you crazy Socialist fool.”
The BBC has blamed “human error” for a suggestion on its News at Six that Theresa May would be delivered to Brussels for Brexit talks by being dropped from a second world war Lancaster Bomber.
But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.
At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.
In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.
“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”
The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.
Crowd queuing politely to deliver their letters of no confidence
Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.
“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”
“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”
“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”
“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”
A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.
Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.
Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.
As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.
“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”
“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”
The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.
The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading →
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive
Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.
David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.
In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading →
“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” [did I say that out loud?]
Theresa May has confirmed that her government’s innovative plan to force property developers to develop property is nothing like Labour’s discredited socialist plan to force property developers to develop property.
“Nothing has changed, nothing has changed.” insisted the PM, before being re-booted by her adviser.
“Labour’s ridiculous out-of-touch plans, which we cut and pasted into our strategy document yesterday, bore no resemblance to our shiny new Continue reading →
Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]
The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.
“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading →
‘Look out, May’s about!” Anyone else hearing a screech of brakes and tyres?
A spokesman for Britain’s car crashes has objected to them being linked to Mrs May’s government, claiming that the comparisons are unfairly bringing car crashes into disrepute.
“It’s just lazy journalism.” said Jeff Trundle “Why not use plane crash, war zone, or a zombie apocalypse? All much more apt but no. Car crash is all we ever read about, just after Theresa May gets out of bed each morning and starts working her way through that day’s list of cock ups.”
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.
Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.
“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading →
“‘Reveal my hand’, I don’t even know what that means. Help me.”
David Davis will ask around the Tory conference today and see if it’s the right time to reveal his hand.
“I’ve never actually played poker but ‘not revealing my hand’ sounds macho, a bit James Bond-ish, so when people started asking me about Brexit I kept trotting it out. I really ought to find out what it means.”
“The name’sh Davish, David Davish. How’s the accent?” said Continue reading →
The May stood on the burning deck
Whence David Cameron had fled;
The bus o’lies that started all this dreck
A rusted heap long dead.
Yet strong and stable she stood,
To the EU she would not yield –
A creature of Oxford and the Bank of England,
Who’d rather run through a wheat field. Continue reading →
20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call
Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading →
As she marches she can sing that old classic “The Pink Frock My Father Wore”
World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading →
A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy. Continue reading →
almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on
The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.
“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.
“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading →
As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera
Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.
Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading →
You must be logged in to post a comment.