Tag Archives: Spoof news

Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

sexraccoon

Maxord denies badgering clients

With TB, culls and being awful at crossing roads to contend with, there’s never been a worse time to be a badger.

But a media raccoon thinks he can help Britain’s embattled brocks, by giving them a cheeky public relations makeover.

Cliff Maxord, a shuffling scavenger with a nose for publicity, thinks badgers need to work on their image. And with their stripy little faces and bumbling gait, they’re already half-way to being mistaken for raccoons.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

Filed under International News, Lifestyle, News

Police action delayed by failure to agree on catchy name for the operation

brainstormRed faced police chiefs have admitted that a major crime investigation was held up for months due to their failure to agree a suitable code name for the operation.

Speaking at a press conference following publication of an Independent Police Complaints Commission report condemning the ineptitude of the Eastern Counties Police Force, Chief Constable Paul Kingsley admitted that there had been more focus on image than on tracking down the illegal migrant worker crime ring that the task team was intended to pursue.

Defending his actions, Kingsley was anxious to stress that the police were not institutionally publicist and explained that it was important to find a code name for an operation. Continue reading

Comments Off on Police action delayed by failure to agree on catchy name for the operation

Filed under Crime, News

Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Filed under Around Harold, News

Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Woof, woof!

Woof, woof!

The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.

Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,

Continue reading

Comments Off on Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Filed under Lifestyle, News

Thatcher supporters propose giant pyramid to last a hundred thousand years

pyramid

Erection in her honour

Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.

“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”

The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”

Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.

Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.

Comments Off on Thatcher supporters propose giant pyramid to last a hundred thousand years

Filed under Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

cam

Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading

Comments Off on Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

Filed under Around Harold, News

Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Digital trickery

Digital trickery

Forward-thinking technocrats from the Harold council have announced their intention for the village to move into the cutting-edge world of internet virtual finance by ‘minting’ the district’s first and only Bitcoin.

Bitcoins are a relatively new financial phenomenon, and are created when computers solve a complicated mathematical problem. The resultant binary data lives only on the internet, but can actually be converted into real cash on the money exchanges. The “coin”‘s emergence has created a new currency which is only used by sophisticated computer experts, and has no real existence in the physical world.
Read more

Comments Off on Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Filed under Around Harold, science, Uncategorized

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

Comments Off on Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

Filed under News, Politics, Sport

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on 17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

Filed under Crime, Culture

Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

Filed under News, Politics

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
Read more…

Comments Off on Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News

Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

Read more…

Comments Off on Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

Filed under Around Harold, Education, News