Tag Archives: Scotland

Remember the good times: Desperate England sends Scotland a playlist of their greatest hits together

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We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.

Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.

“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading

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Global warming is forcing polar bears to drive buses in Scotland

Polar Bear bus driverDriven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.

Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.

The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading

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Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.

Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading

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People still mistaking Katie Hopkins’ opinions for news

The latest fuss surrounding self-promoting rent-a-gob, Katie Hopkins, suggests that many people in the media and the public in general are still under the misguided impression that her contrived, deliberately controversial opinions are somehow newsworthy.

More than 38,000 people have signed a petition to have Hopkins banned from the media in the wake of her comments about Scotland, completely missing the point that in doing so they are giving her exactly the publicity she craves. Continue reading

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