Tag Archives: Humour

by | January 9, 2016 · 1:35 pm

Skin-browning product banned for ‘discriminating against idiot’

donaldbrown

Texture like sun…

Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.

The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.

“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Skin-browning product banned for ‘discriminating against idiot’

Filed under Health, idiots

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 6:57 am

Apple to remove headphone socket because company run by demons

You love it

You love it

Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.

The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.

A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”.  Continue reading →

Comments Off on Apple to remove headphone socket because company run by demons

Filed under Fashion, Technology

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | January 8, 2016 · 11:47 am

New alcohol guidelines don’t apply to you, experts confirm

imageThere was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.

The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading →

Comments Off on New alcohol guidelines don’t apply to you, experts confirm

Filed under Health, idiots, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 6, 2016 · 8:56 am

World of science embarrassed as chemical symbols for new elements spell out ‘BIGBOOBIES’

periodic_table1 - Copy

The childish elements among us

The world of science was plunged into embarrassment today after sharp-eyed schoolchildren spotted that the symbols for the newly-discovered chemical elements, when seen on the Periodic Table, spell out the words: “BIG BOOBIES”.

The chance of these elements just happening to be named like this – Bi, Gb, Oob and Ies – seems so remote that red-faced heads of research at the world’s leading laboratories admit that it might not be entirely an accident.

Although the new elements were discovered and named by separate teams in different countries, there is a theory that the various scientists involved might just have got together and chosen names that spelled out BIG BOOBIES deliberately. Continue reading →

Comments Off on World of science embarrassed as chemical symbols for new elements spell out ‘BIGBOOBIES’

Filed under Children, science

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 31, 2015 · 10:27 am

Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

cracksbearsLocal police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.

“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”

On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.

“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”

“What a tosser.”

Comments Off on Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

Filed under Around Harold, Children, Health

Tagged as , , , ,

by | December 29, 2015 · 12:13 pm

RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

image

The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment

The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.

“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.

“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

Filed under environment, News, TV

Tagged as , ,

by | December 21, 2015 · 1:27 pm

Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

andy-murray-tiara - Copy

Murray overcome with joy

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.

A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.

“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”

“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 19, 2015 · 1:57 pm

Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Cbhitler

It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Filed under DWP, idiots, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 17, 2015 · 10:05 am

Chaos at office after colleague brings in camel for ‘Secret Santa’

Camel-Santa - Copy

Bah, Humpbug!

An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.

In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.

Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.

“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”

“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Chaos at office after colleague brings in camel for ‘Secret Santa’

Filed under Christmas, Pets

Tagged as , , , ,

by | May 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Bank insists customer service will not suffer as entire call centre outsourced to family of badgers

callcentre

Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?

Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.

Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.

“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”

Read more

2 Comments

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Business

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | June 30, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Local man’s ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans a big hit with unsuspecting public

coffee

This story really relies on you knowing where “civet coffee” comes from…

Lovers of fine coffee in the village of Harold are flocking to sample the aromatic blends of local entrepreneur and alcoholic Reg Boggis, who is delighting the locals
with his personally ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans.

For those not in the know, civet coffee beans are unusual in that they have passed through the digestive system of the civet, a nocturnal cat-like mammal
native to tropical Asia and Africa. The animals digest coffee berries but not the beans inside, which are passed into the “fecal matter”. In words of one syllable, the beans are shat out by the animals and then harvested. The enzymes in their stomach acid help produce a bean that is sought-after for its smooth, caramel-like taste, and can fetch over $1000 per kilo from the richer sort of Guardian reader.

Seeing the opportunity for marketing a boutique coffee in the village’s trendy cafe scene, Boggis was at first discouraged by the absence of civets from Harold’s native fauna, and all attempts to persuade his tabby cat Ernie to eat coffee beans ended in savage failure.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Local man’s ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans a big hit with unsuspecting public

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, DNA, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , , ,