Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

DJT

He who must not be President

Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.

“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”

“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”

“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”

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Filed under Entertainment, Politics

Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Cbhitler

It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

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Filed under DWP, idiots, News

Katie Hopkins outraged by Donald Trump’s ‘respected columnist’ slur

Do I look like a 'respected columnist?'

Do I look like a ‘respected columnist?’

Katie Hopkins is furious Donald Trump called her a ‘respected columnist’ instead of her proper title ‘Queen of intolerant bile’.

Hopkins, who hates everyone, said ‘respected columnist’ made it sound like she writes for the Times, or worse still, the Guardian.

“I don’t ‘write’, I spit out bile into a receptacle known as the Daily Mail”, frothed Hopkins.
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Filed under News, Politics

PM delighted as Donald Trump distracts us all from Tory awfulness

"Let them eat cake."

“The US election? It’s just hair and circuses.”

David Cameron has spoken of his delight at Donald Trump doing for religious tolerance what he himself allegedly did to that pig, and making everyone forget how awful his own government is.

“It’s brilliant,” Cameron enthused. “All the UK press is concerned with is what someone who might one day be President of another country is saying and tweeting while me and my chums get busy having a lovely bombing and further undermining the NHS. There are no eyes on our ball. I am reminded of the famous saying ‘If Iain Duncan Smith declares war on the disabled and no one is watching, does he make a sound?'” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

Trump ‘will ban Native Americans from entering USA’

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Next, they came for the horses…

In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.

Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.

“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”

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Filed under idiots, International News, Showbusiness

Trump burns down orphanage, is still popular

trumpdisability

I’m gonna BURN!

Donald Trump has shrugged off a recent incident where he was caught on camera burning down an orphanage, and remains the front-runner in polls of a public who have clearly given up all pretence of even caring.

In the widely-circulated video, Trump is seen pouring cans of gasoline into the open windows of the orphanage, before throwing in a lighted rag and running off, laughing maniacally.

When challenged, Trump accused the orphanage of “grandstanding”, and pointed out that he couldn’t even remember its name, so had clearly not intended to burn down anything. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness

US Muslims call for assholes to wear wigs

image

“Look, there’s one now!”

Following the news that Donald Trump has suggested forcing American Muslims to wear special badges, leading Muslims have called for assholes everywhere to be made to wear ridiculous comb-over-style wigs, so they can be avoided at a distance.

Trump told reporters at his campaign bunker this morning he had originally believed that people’s skin colour could be used as a handy warning of imminent terrorism, before coming up with the excellent but uneasily-familiar idea of registration and badging.

In response, a spokesman for Muslim Action Network, a leading US charity, suggested that the real problem might be avoiding assholes, not Muslims, and pointed out that seeing as Trump is already leading the way, a laughably piss-poor hairpiece might be an excellent way to spot those a-holes a-coming. Continue reading

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Filed under News

US Republican presidential hopeful made of bacon beats rivals in polls

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When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross and delicious with eggs

A surprise entrant into the race to become the Republican Party’s nominee for President of the United States has thrashed rivals in the latest round of opinion polls despite being made of bacon.

The porky candidate, tire fortune heir Jeff Miller, has an angry white face, a cross and the IQ of catshit. An image that many potential voters are responding to with joy.

“Jeff’s my man,” Cyrus T. Cliché III told us. “Being made of bacon he ain’t no Muslamic. Plus he ain’t no woman neither.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Face of Donald Trump seen in pig’s anus

pig_butt_trump

Anus face (artist’s impression)

Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,

“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”

Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading

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Filed under Farming, International News

Notorious serial killer tricked into retweeting photo of Margaret Thatcher

MaggieBritain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.

Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
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