Tag Archives: comedy

by | April 14, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

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Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:30 am

Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Digital trickery

Digital trickery

Forward-thinking technocrats from the Harold council have announced their intention for the village to move into the cutting-edge world of internet virtual finance by ‘minting’ the district’s first and only Bitcoin.

Bitcoins are a relatively new financial phenomenon, and are created when computers solve a complicated mathematical problem. The resultant binary data lives only on the internet, but can actually be converted into real cash on the money exchanges. The “coin”‘s emergence has created a new currency which is only used by sophisticated computer experts, and has no real existence in the physical world.
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by | April 13, 2013 · 9:00 am

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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by | April 9, 2013 · 1:14 pm

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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by | April 8, 2013 · 2:09 pm

Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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by | · 11:30 am

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading →

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by | April 3, 2013 · 12:00 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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by | April 2, 2013 · 5:08 pm

Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.

‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’ Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Logistics error sees morris men deployed to war-zone

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

A decision to allow both Harold’s branch of the Territorial Army and the village’s morris dancers to share use of the village hall is to be reviewed. This follows a transportation error which saw the whole flange of morris dancers deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan.

The jingling hanky wavers were due to travel from the hall to Sidcup for the National Prancing Championships. Unfortunately a coach was also due at the hall to take the TA to RAF Brize Norton to fly out to the war-zone and take up a combat role against the Taliban, a coach the morris men accidentally but keenly boarded.

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