Category Archives: Politics

DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

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Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

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“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned

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After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again. 

David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading

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Bono proclaims he will heal Labour

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Rejoice for He is among us

There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading

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Liam Pot calls Kettles black

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“It’s bad news sir, all your gutters need changing”

An awful Pot, with no discernible personal or professional boundaries, has criticised Britain’s Kettles for preferring to play “golf on a Friday afternoon”, rather than buggering up the UK’s economic future.

The Pot had been hiding under a stone for some years, after people found out that he was a shabby, chancer of a Pot. Being shameless however, the Pot assumed that like him, people had forgotten all about his expenses-hoovering, breaches of parliamentary rules, and vewy special welationship with Wewity Wabbit. Continue reading

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Everything to be in black and white as Tories drag country back to the forties

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We’re going to need a lot more hats

Theresa May has announced that the UK will be entirely monochrome from now on to match the government’s policies of there not being an NHS and kids getting written off at eleven if they can’t get into grammar school.

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Most parents support Grammar schools, “as long as our children get in”

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“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”

Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.

“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading

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Washing machine salesmen called Jim distance themselves from Keith Vaz

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The party’s certainly started now, eh Keith?

Keith Vaz, Chair of the Home Affairs Committee currently reviewing laws on prostitution and soliciting, has sent shockwaves through the industrial supplies sales industry by telling two male prostitutes he was about to play nug-a-nug with that he sold massive washing machines to hotels and was called Jim. Continue reading

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“I was a young wizard who defeated the White Witch”: angry Clegg denies new book is full of lies

Nick_Clegg

It’s true. He’s got the scar and everything.

A furious Nick Clegg has taken to social media today to refute allegations that his new book Between the Extremes is less credible than the guy who works down the chip shop who swears he’s Elvis. Continue reading

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Nick Clegg’s new book: shit hits fan(atics)

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Hold on, what was the name of that guy in the cabinet who could have stopped them?

Nick Clegg’s says his forthcoming book will lift the lid on former Tory partners. “The public will be shocked to learn that they were inveterate liars and cheats. Plus IDS was also thick. By the way, I’ve got a new book out.”

Blue Peter badge holder, former ‘deputy prime minister’ and coalition gimp, Clegg reveals that Theresa May made up immigration figures, whilst George Osborne didn’t have a clue Continue reading

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Hunt demands a full 7-day strike from Junior Doctors

“I’ll find out who’s responsible. Someone must be in charge.”

Jeremy Hunt has misunderstood the Junior Doctors yet again, calling on them to provide a full 7-day strike later this month.

“NHS patients deserve to have their operations cancelled, whatever day they’re booked for.” said the hapless minister, who assured the public that he’s on track to achieve that by the end of 2016.

“I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility” said the failed marmalade salesman Continue reading

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Theresa May acting like Tudor monarch as six wives and terminal syphilis disclosed

Hans Holbein

Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?

Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn endorsed by both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea

People's Front of JudeaJeremy Corbyn has shown his unifying credentials after obtaining endorsements from both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea, after earlier being endorsed by the Campaign for a Free Galilee and the Judean Popular People’s Front.

The Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea haven’t seen eye to eye for over 2,000 years, but both groups agreed the Tories and Blairites are far greater threats than Pontius Pilate and the Romans ever were as they threw their combined weight behind Corbyn.
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Disappointment as ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox doesn’t involve bloodshed

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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face

There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading

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“Jeremy Corbyn turned Rio pools green,” says Guardian

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*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”

In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading

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Differing reports on Troubled Families explained: “I was lying” says Cameron

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall

“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.

“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading

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Education, education, segregation: grammar schools rise again

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Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?

People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education  over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.

“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading

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Corbyn to try turning Labour off and back on again

Jeremy-Corbyn

“Maybe one of the kids knows how to work this thing. Anyone got a number for Owen Jones?”

Professor Yaffle after a hard night on the Buckfast, Jeremy Corbyn, is today going to turn the parliamentary Labour party off and on again it the hope that’ll make it function as an effective opposition once more. Continue reading

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Even a poll of all the Owen Smiths shows Jeremy Corbyn winning

Owen Smith lagging badly in the key 'Owen Smith' demographic

Owen Smith lagging badly in the key ‘Owen Smith’ demographic

Jeremy Corbyn comes out as the preferred Labour leader even among people named ‘Owen Smith’, according to a new poll.

The Dunstable University poll showed Corbyn with a 20 point lead over Smith among Labour Party members generally, and a similar lead among Labour members whose last name is ‘Smith’. But it was a surprise to find out even the ‘Owen Smith’ demographic overwhelmingly supports Corbyn, according to Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Bill Clinton denies phoning Melania Trump

bill and melaniaBill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.

“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
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Jeremy Corbyn shot Bambi’s mother claim Labour MPs

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We’re still not over it. Saddest. Thing. Ever

Furious Blairite Labour MPs have made their most damaging allegation yet against nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down in human form Jeremy Corbyn by accusing him of shooting Bambi’s mother.

“Of course he did!” thundered Owen Smith. “This heinous act is entirely in keeping with a man who is utterly lacking in morality. Equality, social mobility, peace, redistribution of wealth, making deers orphans: these are his core values and not one of them has a place in the modern Labour party.” Continue reading

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