Category Archives: Law and Order

by | December 22, 2013 · 7:30 am

Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1

cocaine

‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”
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by | December 21, 2013 · 8:00 am

Interpol release terrifying portrait of wanted war criminal

Have you seen this man?

Have you seen this man?

Interpol have commissioned a terrifying portrait of notorious war criminal Tony Blair and placed it in the National Portrait Gallery in a last ditch attempt to bring him to justice.

European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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by | December 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm

DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ scent faces lengthy legal battle

gert lush

The ‘swede’ smell of success.

An amateur perfumier is facing a ruinous legal fight, after ignoring a ‘cease and desist’ order from Donna Karan.

Farmer Phil Evans from Harold turned his hand to producing cosmetics, because ‘it seemed less bother than rummaging about in cows’.

DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ is literally a ground-breaking new scent: it’s made from a combination of root vegetables and a strange liquid he found beneath the chicken shed. “On top of that there’s some animal glands that are a bit too rank for sausages”, he smiled. “That’s just what they do with the posh stuff, that is. Only they normally calls it ‘musk’.”
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by | December 6, 2013 · 3:30 pm

Police deploy paradoxical kettle as students arrested for protesting about students being arrested at a protest against the arrest of students

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

Students protesting at the University of London have accused police of kettling them in a logical paradox as a number of students were beaten up and arrested for protesting about students being beaten up and arrested at a protest to highlight the plight of students being beaten up and arrested.

The police tactic of paradoxical kettling has been criticised before. The last time came during student protests opposing tuition fee rises.

On that occasion protesters were subject to paradoxical kettling for not dispersing despite being kettled for non-dispersal from a kettle.

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by | December 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

Balaclava-clad English Defence League supporters protest against veils

'Irony' is when mum presses my t-shirt

‘Irony’ is when mum presses my t-shirt

Scores of balaclava-clad English Defence League (“EDL”) supporters converged in Harold town centre overnight to protest against Muslims wearing veils.

“Them Muslims should be banned from wearing veils – they shouldn’t be allowed to hide their faces” said Gavin, an EDL supporter who wouldn’t give his last name.

“Muslims go home – England for the Polish” shouted Jerzey “Smith”, a carpenter from Essex.

Other EDL members just tried to stare threateningly but soon gave up when local children mistook them for clowns.
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by | November 28, 2013 · 7:00 am

Fury as Downing Street officers replaced with PC Pleb, PC Prole and PC Minion

PCpleb

Officers ‘clearly had help’ with name badges.

The Metropolitan Police have been accused of ‘deliberately provoking’ Tory MPs, with their choice of replacement officers to guard the gates at Downing Street.

With several regular officers from Number 10 currently engaged with helping other police avoid their enquiries, the choices of PC Pleb, PC Prole and PC Minion as replacements has raised a few eyebrows.

“I thought the police were supposed to be f***ing helping us”, complained semi-disgraced MP Andrew Mitchell, rather quietly. “If you ask me, choosing these three is just taking the p*ss.”

Mitchell has so far failed to gain access to Downing Street since the latest appointments, despite his best attempts to attract their attention by politely coughing.
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