Following a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading
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David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
The decision will be taken today whether or not Nick Robinson should be recalled out of hibernation.
The BBC look set to make the decision at a time when journalists traditionally take time off.
This has left them with a shortage of reporters to camp out side the main news stories: No 10 to cover the political discussions around military action in Syria, and in Scotland covering the second biggest birth event if the year, a pregnant panda.
A BBC spokesman said: “at this time of year, political reporting types like Nick are placed in a cardboard box with hole in the top and filled with straw, enough food and a copy of Private Eye.”
“They are then placed in the new Blue Peter garden in Salford for a couple of months, before being transported back to London and awoken in a controlled environment around Central Lobby.”
Although this has been done before, the Royal Society for treating Political Correspondents like Animals (RSPCA) has warned unless done with care the early reawakening process could cause problems with their body clock.
“It has been known that they think they are in September already” one RSPCA officer told us.
“When Andrew Marr was recalled early to cover the invasion of Iraq, he spent the first few days reporting on a Queen’s Speech that had not yet been written.”
“The confusion between what his brain was expecting and what he was hearing caused long-term, irreversible damage to his ears.”