Tag Archives: UKIP

Paul Nuttall claims he was at election result where Ukip won

We could use a more complimentary picture. We could but we won’t

Mendacity dressed as an extra in a crap British gangster film, Paul Nuttall, is today celebrating what he claims was a historic victory for Ukip in the Stoke by-election and saying he’s looking forward to working in Westminster. Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall denies being UKIP leader

Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP

Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”

Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall denies being a politician as CV row intensifies

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Point to a racist, Paul

Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading

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After moaning about misspent EU cash, UKIP to repay misspent EU cash

farage

Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge

“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”

Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.

Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading

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UKIP refugee, Steven Woolfe upset to be refused entry to other parties

woolfe3

Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind

Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.

“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”

A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed.  Continue reading

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Tyson Fury enters UKIP leadership race

tyson-fury2

FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT

Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.

“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading

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Farage technically still UKIP leader: online petition “to make the bastard stay on” tops one million

farage_braying

massive braying bellend

With Nigel Farage still in charge of UKIP, the party which made everyday racism acceptable again, a campaign forcing the massive braying bellend  to stay on has already gained huge support.

“We’d enough people signed up to trigger a parliamentary debate in the first hour.” said campaign organiser Alison Lee “If we reach ten million they’ll have to pass new laws, ensuring Farage not only stays as UKIP leader but also spends four hours in the stocks on College Green on weekends and alternate Wednesdays until further notice.” Continue reading

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“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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UKIP supporter campaigns against EU by invading Poland

massive_bellend

Massive bell-end

A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.

Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.

Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.

Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.

Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”

“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”

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Pro-EU UKIPpers “gagged” in run-up to referendum, say sources

farage_braying

Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?

“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.

A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading

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Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

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Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

fareau

Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading

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“Should UKIP’s leader be a UKIP MP?” asks UKIP’s MP

Farage-radio

invited onto every single, bloody politics programme

UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.

“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”

Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading

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No to yes in French and German: Ukip medium demands English name for ouija boards

English_ouija_board

Is there anybody there? No, it works due to the ideomotor effect.

Local medium and Ukip member, Aileen Kinsman, is calling for her party to spearhead a campaign to get ouija boards renamed so as not to put “decent English souls” off from making contact.

“It’s unacceptable for me to have to converse with those who’ve crossed over using equipment named in French and German,” she said. “They should be called YesAbsolutely boards which everyone can understand in an instant and not by a foreign title. I’m a psychic medium, for heaven’s sake, I shouldn’t have to deal with made-up nonsense.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage suggests giant moat around Britain to thwart migrants

An artist's impression of the UKIP moat

An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat

UKIP leader Nigel Farage today suggested the building of a giant moat around Britain to stop migrants entering the UK.

“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.

Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
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Your form guide to the General Election runners and riders

farage horse

Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.

Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.

Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.

Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.

Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.

Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading

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UK meets EU recycling target thanks to UKIP leaflets

ukip leaflet

Farage hopes to see more rotten leaflets.

Irony has given Nigel Farage another kick in the goolies this week with news that the UK has met the target dictated by Brussels for recycling as much rubbish as possible, thanks mainly to millions of anti-European UKIP leaflets going straight in the bin.

European Environment Commissioner Karmenu Vella travelled by EuroStar to Thanet, where he caught up with Nigel Farage who was there on election campaign business.

“I have come to thank you personally, Monsieur Fromage (sic),” the Commissioner told him, “for your generous contribution of paper-based rubbish which tipped the balance and made the UK do as it’s told for once.”

The Commissioner then pinned a badge on Farage’s coat, depicting the EU emblem with the words “I did my bit for Europe” underneath. A modest Farage blushed excessively on receiving the award and, mouth agape, was lost for words, while two of his heavies accidentally both punched the Commissioner believing him to be a common assailant m’lud.
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Farage ‘rethinks immigration policy’ after door slammed in face

pub_landlord_farage

Farage downs another policy.

Until now, UKIP campaigners have welcomed the slamming of doors in their faces as a strong signal in favour of their policy of slamming doors in people’s faces.

“It’s been seen as symbolic support,” say political analysts “of UKIP’s policy of shutting people out.”

But now, a fresh interpretation of the door-slamming gesture has been put forward which undermines UKIP’s positive spin.
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Nigel Farage seeks endorsement from Alf Garnett

Alf-Garnett-008

He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.

Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.

“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading

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