The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.
I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.
I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?
Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).
Yours as ever in splendid isolation,
They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895
Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading
PM in discussions with Ruth Davidson
Theresa May says the UK status quo, where people in London dictate to people in Scotland, has absolutely no echoes in the EU status quo, where people in Brussels dictate to people in the UK.
“It’s completely different” said a clearly impatient Mrs May “because the English have been doing it for centuries, whilst the EU has only been Continue reading
Filed under Brexit, Politics
Come and keep your comrade warm
Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.
“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”
He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.
Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”
“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”
Filed under Politics, Sex
The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”
Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading
Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit
The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.
“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”
“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”
For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.
After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading
The Prime Minister decides against “blacking up”, until voters get used to her new image
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for rich right wing old people in the history of our nation.
Five score and six days ago, the only voters we now give a rat’s arse about, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, declared that there was no such thing as Europe.
This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of working class people who will now be even easier to manipulate. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their perceived captivity to Brussels and released them to a world where they only have themselves, and certainly not us, to blame.
I have a dream that one day Continue reading
‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’
Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.
“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading
We’re going to need a lot more hats
Theresa May has announced that the UK will be entirely monochrome from now on to match the government’s policies of there not being an NHS and kids getting written off at eleven if they can’t get into grammar school.
“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”
Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.
“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading
Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?
Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading
Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason
Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.
Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.
Filed under News, Politics
The Mall, two minutes ago
A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading
“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation
“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.
An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
We tried to think of a witty caption but to be honest she just makes us feel terribly sad
Yawning void in shoes a drag queen wouldn’t touch, Theresa May, has criticised the Fire Service for appearing to have exactly the same working culture as her own organisation. In a baffling speech she lambasted the Fire Service for being toxic and corrosive and coupling it with a lack of transparency and independent scrutiny. She then returned to Number 10 and her Bullingdon Club, Panama tax haven using, “Calm down, dear” boss and his secretive, white, privately educated, millionaire, manly chums. Continue reading
“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”
The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.
“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”
You disgust me
New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.
The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading
Britain’s first black Home Secretary
Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.
Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading
For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket
For sale, any reasonable offer considered.
Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.
Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.
Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.
Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.
Interested? Then contact:
Mayor of London
London SE1 2AA
(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)