Two little toys out of shot
Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.
GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.
Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.
Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.
It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).
There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.
Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile
An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.
Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.
“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.
“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”
The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.
“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”
A sickening monster, and Rolf Harris (also a sickening monster).
Disgraced keyboard ‘The Stylophone’ could face further charges, after it was convicted this week of historic music offences.
With its clean-cut styling and friendly vibrato control, few suspected the racket it was capable of.
“I always trusted Stylophone, even though the older kids said keyboards sometimes dabbled in prog rock”, said Harold resident Dave Evans.
” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.
In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”
Rolf claims it was a didgeridoo in his pocket
The BBC is rethinking its approach after realising the 180,000 people it prosecuted in the last year are getting to watch alleged BBC sex offenders in court for free.
“We wanted to clamp down on free-loaders who were watching TV without a licence and thus not contributing to our presenter’s exorbitant salaries” said a spokesperson for TV Licencing. “If everyone dodged the TV licence, the presenters would not be able to afford to pay for basic grooming items, such as lollies and an XBox360.”
“But unfortunately all the people we are prosecuting are getting to see our presenters up close and personal in court without paying any sort of licence fee – in fact it is not paying a licence fee that it is getting them a front row seat.”
Queen ‘may form one’s own band’ to record new anthem
Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen has commissioned a new National Anthem following Mo Farah’s medal ceremony in Moscow. “Enough is enough!” she stormed as the tune’s last notes faded away in Moscow, throwing her hat across the room at the TV but hitting a sleeping Corgi instead.
“Do you know how often one’s heard that dirge?” the rant continued “At least 78,532 bloody times! Ronnie Biggs only got 30 years and then got out early, the crafty sod. But it’s over 60 years with no musical parole in sight for ER2. Doesn’t this breach one’s human-rights? We objected to the yanks playing the same thing over & over to their Guantanamo guests didn’t we? Mind you, that was Metallica.”
“One will tell you what though. If Brian May gets himself up on the Palace roof again and even thinks about playing it, Philip will definitely give him both barrels. It was all one could do to stop him last time.”