“Aww… aren’t they lovely though?”
A hundred deaths in a Havana air crash came close to nudging the Royal wedding off the top spot on BBC news today.
“There were no Meghan Markle relatives on board,” explained the BBC’s Huw Edwards from Windsor Castle “which is the frankly unusual element of the story we used to justify covering it.”
Survivors were spoken to in hospital by the BBC Cuba correspondent, Will Grant, who asked which part of the Royal wedding they’d most been looking forward to and how they felt about Continue reading
Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.
The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading
Escaping their roots?
Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.
“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”
“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”
A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.
“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”
Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.
President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.
Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.
Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.
‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.
“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”
Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.
“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
Filed under charity, Royals
So long and thanks for the drinks
Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.
A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”
Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading
Artist’s impression of how King Richard III might have looked
Analysis of DNA from Richard III has allowed researchers to establish with greater confidence than ever what the Plantagenet king actually looked like, it was revealed today.
Far from being the hunchbacked dark-haired figure of legend, it is now believed that the King in fact had “reddy-brown” hair, and walked with the upright gait typical of, say, a household cavalry officer in the British Army.
“Richard III has traditionally been seen as this evil stooped man who would imprison Princes in the Tower of London,” explained one researcher, “But our testing indicates that he would be far more likely to have attended the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst, been commissioned into the Life Guards as a second lieutenant and eventually to have been promoted to captain. After serving as a tank commander in the Gulf he probably retired from the British Army and opened a golf driving range, that sort of thing.”
When asked if there were any implications for the current Royal Family’s claim to the throne or the order of succession, the researcher coughed slightly and muttered something that sounded like: “Well, they might have to skip one”.
Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls
With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.
Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.
Police claim there is no family resemblance whatsoever.
A travelling family which has traipsed around Europe for almost two hundred years is at the centre of yet another child abduction storm today. Police have taken into protective custody ‘a ginger man’, thought to be around 29 years of age and answering to the nickname ‘Harry’.
The family is said to have started out with the frankly unbelievable name of ‘Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’, but has repeatedly changed its name across various national boundaries in order to disguise itself.
At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn’t just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward
There was shock in the village of Harold this morning when an alcoholic rough sleeper turned out to be Prince William.
“I saw this lad sat outside Tesco all huddled up under some blankets and clutching a bottle so I slipped him a few coins,” said villager Tom Stalling. “And instead of saying ‘cheers, mate’ he said ‘that’s really most terribly kind of you. Do you visit here often? Have you had to come far?’ and made me feel like the most important person in the world. That’s when I realised he wasn’t an ordinary homeless bloke.” Continue reading
They’ll have him back in 2015 if devolution makes him officially Scottish.
Andy Murray has been disqualified from the US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey as the backlash against Britain by the United States continues.
Since a House of Commons vote on Thursday resulted in no support for the use of force against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time, the US has had to find a new poodle to yap for it at the United Nations and relations between Britain and the US are at their lowest point since the early eighties when we opened Cats on Broadway and they shot one of the Beatles. Continue reading
The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.
When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.