Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy. Continue reading
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As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
A Wessex Saddleback pig from Harold was better received than expected at his ‘Oldest Pig’ ceremony, after a catering mix-up caused him to feature in his own vol-au-vents.
‘Boris’, a 37 year-old hog with gout and high cholesterol, was celebrated in the Harold village hall last Tuesday.
Despite health and safety preventing his appearance in person, it now seems most of him did show up. Only his tail and lips are yet to be accounted for.
Many of those present didn’t realise quite how much they appreciated Boris, until a communal pork pie repeated on them late on Thursday.