Tag Archives: lies

‘Drunk squirrel’ wrecks bar, spends fortune on porn

drunk squirrel

Squirrel also assaulted PC Flegg.

A pub in Harold has been vandalised by a ‘drunk squirrel’, which went on to clone a credit card and watch pornography.

The incident was discovered by the landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, after he returned from a mushroom exploring course in the woods.

“Yeah, it was definitely a squirrel, and it was off its head”, said Eddie. “The little scamp had eaten all the peanuts, and accidentally knocked a beer tap to ‘on’.”

“Then it apparently opened a bottle of wine, using its little squirrel hands to operate a cork screw. And then it made an electronic copy of my credit card, and watched some appalling filth.”
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Black and White Minstrels reappraised as trans-racial trailblazers

minstrels

Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.

Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.

Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.

The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
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CIA admit they made cats up to keep everyone docile

rsz_adorable-baby-cat-cute-kitten-favim_com-284524

Harold’s Mister Superpaws. He’s not real, the cake is a lie, and Soylent Green is people.

There was shock around the world this morning when John O’Brennan, Director of the CIA, admitted that his organisation made cats up to keep people distracted and compliant.

“Aw shucks, y’got us,” he confessed. “When the internet started we at the CIA quickly realised that it could become a global tool for unrestricted communication, uncensored ideas and free trade so naturally we put together a plan of action to combat that and so the cat was born.” Continue reading

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Doubts cast on villager’s Facebook bike ride

pantsonfire

Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.

A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.

William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.

“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Sport

Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading

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Nominations announcement soon for Police ‘Lie of the Season’

police

Results will be altered and covered up in time for award ceremony.

The prestigious 2013 National Police Lying awards ceremony will be held at the O2 arena later this month and with only days left until nominations close, excitement is building.

Contenders for the headline Lie of the Season award will certainly come from amongst the numerous plebgate participants but the smart-money is awaiting the outcome of this week’s Home Affairs Select Committee. Committee Chair Keith Vaz MP will find himself in the unusual role of ‘the nice one’.

Sergeants Stuart Hinton and Chris Jones, who are expected to put in yet another stirring performance at Westminster, may later have the opportunity of reprising it 12 miles away at Wormwood Scrubs; to Big Ron on the landing of E wing.
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Police make pinky-swear to review ‘Lying protocols’

trunchface

Oscar Tango, I am not wearing a helmet. Over.

Police Officers have sought to clarify their procedures on whether it’s OK to lie about people who tell lies for a living.

In a statement, Police from Warwickshire, West Mercia and West Midlands explained that “Despite a thorough investigation we do not believe that there is any evidence that these officers’ pants are on fire.”

It went on to clarify, “Yes, Police Federation members met last October with Andrew Mitchell, who gave them a full and frank account of his language in the matter and apologised where appropriate. Yes, they then came out of that meeting and told the media that he hadn’t done so. Yes, it now transpires that Mr Mitchell had taped the meeting, showing that they’d lied. But, to put it in context, his mum smells.”

The Hillsborough Support Group has expressed its disbelief that serving Police Officers could possibly be involved in lies and deception. “We send our heartfelt sympathy to the Police who have been found out in this way. Who knew?” said a group spokesperson.

Meanwhile, in London, where ‘plebgate’ events began in 2012, friends of Steven Lawrence and Blair Peach who have somehow managed to avoid false arrest and police assault, are organising a fund-raiser for the Metropolitan Police Benevolent Fund.

A man wearing a balaclava for health purposes explained “an officer already has to work a full 30 years before being cast onto the scrap heap with nothing but a massive lump sum and index-linked pension to survive on. The Government are planning to make things even worse and we felt we should help. There aren’t any police officers outside are there? I think I’m allergic, they bring me out in lumps.”

Janus Tomkins, the Force’s Media Finance Intake Co-ordinator insisted that the Police Federation were right behind their members.

“The good old days where villains could be fitted up as necessary are long gone,” said Tomkins,  “but it’s my understanding there’s an exception for activists, politicians and football supporters. Are you wearing a Greenpeace badge? Right, you’re f***ing nicked son.”

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