The Queen’s birthday honours list can be confusing. With so many names and different gongs being handed out it’s hard to keep track of who’s got what. So here’s our guide to determining if you’re one of the lucky ones who now has to shog off to the palace and not flinch when an old woman comes at them with a blade.
- Premier Inns are:
a) fuck huts for proles.
b) pretty good for the price.
c) the single greatest achievement in human history. Continue reading
The future Duke & Duchess?
Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.
Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading
Filed under News, Royals, Sport
Murray assumes position for knighting himself
Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
Cold heartless banker
Pensioner Doris Kettle has taken steps to apologise for the mismanagement of her account, by returning a porcelain pig to the local branch of her NatWest.
Along with a third of a wobbly wall chart, Kettle hopes the gesture will be seen as a token of her remorse, as well as a full and final settlement, which she’ll hear no more about.
Filed under News, Politics