White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
Ken and newt, in happier days
Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.
Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.
In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.
“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”
“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”
“I’m a newt.”
Filed under Media, News, War
It’s a monster!
Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.
German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.
Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.
A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:
“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”
“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”
Filed under DWP, idiots, News
A real threat on the right wing
Oldham Athletic are considering pulling out of a controversial move for former leader of the German Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, after 20,000 people signed an online petition opposing the deal.
The man who was Führer of Germany was set to be cloned on Monday and train with the club ahead of signing a long-term contract, but the public opposition may now force a dramatic U-turn. Continue reading
Daily Mail owner, left, with friend
It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.
The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
Filed under Media, Nostalgia
You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?
With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.
Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.
In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”
Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.