Blimey, Harry’s not aged well
Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.
“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”
“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”
“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”
Gove smiling as he holds his wand.
Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.
As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.
“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.
“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.
“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.
Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.
Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.
A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.
The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.
“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.
Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading
Rowling ‘inspired’ by legendary top shelf.
Regulars at a local pub have insisted they have ‘nothing but praise’ for a secret bar tab set up by author JK Rowling. The tab, which runs to some 20 or so pages, reveals a lot about what the woman puts into herself and what she left behind noisily by the bins.
Eddie, landlord at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms, is normally reluctant to offer credit. But with only one good eye and a foul murky fug obscuring the Snug, he’d assumed the stranger sat in front of him was Helen Mirren.
“Even the Salvation Army woman in Harold is a borderline alcoholic, so I’m used to watching people putting a few away”, said Eddie. “But when she knocked back her 15th pint of ‘Butterbeer’, which was basically Vermouth, Lurpak and Baileys, I knew there was something magical about her.”