GCSEs are officially less challenging than pulling a greasy stick out of a dead dog’s arse according to everyone who’s forgotten what taking exams is like. Continue reading
Tag Archives: GCSE
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
Have you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.
So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:
16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline. Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading
A major shake-up for GCSEs in England has been unveiled, with a move away from coursework and continuous assessment in favour of a bloody life or death struggle where only the fittest and most ruthless will survive.
Pupils will face far more rigorous examination, with those studying English, for example, having to battle each other in a huge arena armed only with broken bottles. Maths, on the other hand, instead of setting types of questions that can be rehearsed, will require developed disembowelling skills and the ability to swallow a still-beating human heart.
A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.
“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading