Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed
A bad week for Ed Miliband ended on another embarrassing note today as it emerged that he had accidentally voted for Ukip in his local council elections.
The Labour leader had already struggled with the cost of his weekly shop, the name of the Labour candidate in Swindon, and eating a bacon sandwich like a normal human being. Now it appears that he has also forgotten the name of his local councillor and, after taking a stab in the dark, succeeded in getting the wrong party entirely. Continue reading
Finger mark proves this chap used the facilities.
The Mayor of Harold has apologised for using the public toilets as a polling booth for the European elections.
Regulars found their way blocked by people with clipboards, asking them if they’d made up their mind about where they were leaving their mark.
“I often pop into these toilets to deal with a range of unpleasantries”, said local farmer David Evans. “I don’t give it much thought, or fully understand the workings of the complex system that deals with my shit.”
Evans was furious that he was unable to vote in his favourite trap, but delighted that the council had finally employed people to hand out toilet paper.
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.
At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”
Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading
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Koko – the UKIP Candidate
Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.
Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.
Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading
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