The horror! The horror!
It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.
“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading
Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.
“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”
“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading
End of days…
New York emergency services have warned that the city faces the ‘greatest human disaster in living memory’ after singer Morrissey announced plans to play a gig supported by aged crooner Cliff Richard.
“We’ve faced financial catastrophe and extreme climate,” warned New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton. “But I don’t think this city has ever faced a looming depression of the magnitude of a Cliff/Morrissey event.”
Panicking locals are asking why this once-in-a-lifetime disaster had to happen in their city, but experts are unable to agree on a cause, beyond terrible bad luck, and Northern whimsy.
After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’
Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.
‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading
A local Church has decided to start offering Vegas-style weddings in a bid to increase tourism levels in the village of Harold, but instead of Elvis performing the ceremony, there will be a distinctively British feel with the Vicar dressing up as Cliff Richard.
“I was on holiday in Vegas in the summer and was amazed at the amount of chapels offering people the chance to be married by an Elvis impersonator,” Reverend Tansy Forster explained.
“So I thought ‘what us the closest thing we have to Elvis?’ and Sir Cliff seemed like the obvious answer. Continue reading
Cliff Richard’s songs ‘a delight to clap along to’ confirmed Eavis.