The proud new building should stand for at least another 10 years and 1 month.
David Cameron has saved £7bn on the cost of restoring the Houses of Parliament, by granting the contract to China.
For the mere informality of signing over the freehold, politicians will have somewhere to sit for the next 99 years.
“This is excellent news for the UK tax payer”, said Cameron. “They’re even throwing in a big ‘tribute’ iWatch to replace Big Ben.”
Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.
Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.
Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.
“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.
A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.
The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface. China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.
“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency. “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”
There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969. But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition. “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no. It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”
NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye. “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks. Boy, they’re big rockets!”
Pastry, potatoes, beef, swede and onion. You can’t beat that, Ronald McDonald.
David Cameron has flown to Beijing with a delegation of high achieving Brits to beg China to love the UK more than it loves the US. On his knees on the tarmac at Beijing Capital Airport the Prime Minister said “Britain will act as China’s strongest advocate in the West” before promising “dialogue of mutual respect and understanding” as well as a blind eye turned to all China’s abuses of human rights and the environment, and at least five more seasons of Downton Abbey.
“China should be our bestie not that of those across pond,” Cameron said. “What has the Untied States ever done for the world? We’ve given it the Cornish pasty, Fifty Shades of Grey and the tuning fork: no contest.” Continue reading
The device can also warm a brown finger roll.
Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.
“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.” Continue reading
Apparently they don’t all look like this
The standard cliché when reporting on news from the USA may have to be retired following claims from explorers that a third America has been discovered.
“We’re very excited,” said Louisa McClaren, reader in geography at Dunstable University and leader of an expedition which saw a small team of researchers visit all fifty states in the USA. “For a long time pundits have endlessly claimed that America is really two countries with the coastal cities being one and the one where all the culture, science and coherent politics happens and that that country is wrapped around a sprawling mass of flyover states whose inhabitants have dispensed with rational thought and fully embraced Christian fundamentalism, firearms and morbid obesity.” Continue reading
Is this the right Churchill? No, no, no, no, no
The Bank of England has said it ‘regrets’ the decision to outsource the printing of the new £5 note to a printer in China. The note that was hailed as the one to feature the image of Churchill on the back has inadvertently become an advertisement for car insurance.
The new governor of the bank, Paul Tucker, has apologised for the error and has admitted that in hindsight allowing the Chinese printers to ‘Google’ Churchill and then use the first image the search threw up was not the best idea.
The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.
Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,
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