Brexiteers call for Queen to overturn ‘unelected peers’ decision

Still struggling to grasp the situation

Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.

Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading

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Everyone secretly hates their friends (but can’t be arsed to make new ones)

You’re all a bunch of bastards

An extensive poll has revealed that most adults are as likely to genuinely care about their friends as they are to watch The Nightly Show or wish they had Jacob Rees-Mogg’s sense of dress. Continue reading

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Politics now so crap John Major and George W are wise elder statesmen

So odd he seemed more human when portrayed as a latex puppet: now he’s the best of us

Despite spending their time in office being mocked harder than Henry V when the tennis balls turned up, John Major and George W Bush have lurched back into the spotlight as respected elder statesman with valid points to make. Transformations so weird and unsettling many believe them to be a sign of the End Times.   Continue reading

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Labour Party to be humanely destroyed

Old, grey and lacking vision . Not quite Grand National form

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Labour Party will be humanely destroyed on 9th March, the day after John McDonnell makes a toe-clenchingly embarrassing response to the Budget.

“Her Majesty has found it painful to watch her loyal opposition wheezing along, broken winded, lame, and without its guide dog” said a Palace spokesman, who agreed that the decision to put it out of its misery should probably have been taken earlier.

“Labour’s looked on its last legs, on and off for ten years, so I suppose everyone assumed it would recover,” he explained, with a wry smile, “which does seems rather foolish now, when you say it out loud.”

Hopes that a home might have been found at The Horses Trust in Buckinghamshire were dashed when the Trust advised they were unable to accept donkeys.

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Evening Harold banned from White House press briefing for allegedly reporting ‘fake news’

Freemedia160

Chain of thought.

As the White House bans news organisations from their press briefing, The Evening Harold Speaks.

The latest twist in President Donald Gump’s hate campaign against the media has seen The Evening Harold banned from an informal press briefing held by the president’s pet chihuaha, Sean Spicer.

We take this slight very seriously. The Evening Harold’s reputation as a trusted outlet for breaking the news stories other organisations are too afraid to cover is world renowned.

Who else brought you news of McDonalds’ plans to replace ketchup with orangutan blood? Of the demand by badgers for a cull of humans to stop the spread of ebola? Of the hoard of apostrophes left by Grammar Nazis under a Polish mountain? Or of course the tragic life of snooker great John Virgo, still sadly living under that bridge?

As Kim Jong-un once said “To gag the freedom of the press is to allow dictators free reign to stamp all over democracy and personal liberties”. Although admittedly he was giggling and rubbing his chubby little hands at the time.

We must protest. We must stand up for our liberties. We must demand our right to speak. We must grumble most ardently about the state of things these days. What is the world coming to? It so wasn’t like this in our day, was it? Tch!

Unless we want to see civilisation descend into utter chaos once again, as it did under the brutal and sadistic regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Blair; we must fight for our right to be heard.

The Evening Harold will always be here to stand up for truth and decency. To expose corruption; to irk the tyrant; to chafe at the reigns of bondage; to vex the despot; to peeve the oppressor and to stick one right up President Twunt and his bully boy buddies.

Next time he tries a stunt like this, we’ll just make up something really nasty about him instead.

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Paul Nuttall claims he was at election result where Ukip won

We could use a more complimentary picture. We could but we won’t

Mendacity dressed as an extra in a crap British gangster film, Paul Nuttall, is today celebrating what he claims was a historic victory for Ukip in the Stoke by-election and saying he’s looking forward to working in Westminster. Continue reading

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Cats renamed Pocket Lions to widen appeal

Roar!

Tired of being used as a furry prop in lonely thirty-something’s lives and constantly being accused of ultimately planning on eating their single human housemate, cats have rebranded as Pocket Lions in order to widen their ownership demographic. Continue reading

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James Delaney to stand for Labour in Stoke by-election

He’s actually running for two seats. One for him. One for Hat.

Well-travelled London businessman, James Keziah Delaney, has announced that he is to replace Gareth Snell as the Labour candidate in this week’s by-election.

“I have sworn to do very foolish things,” Delaney grunted from atop a massive white horse. “People who do not know me soon come to understand that I do not have any sense.” He went on to explain that he “knows things about the dead” which is why he’s so attracted to a divided Labour Party predicted to suffer an historic defeat at the next general election. Continue reading

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Trump cites non-existent Lancre terror attack

Local women are not amused (apart from Nanny Ogg, obvs).

Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”

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Piers Morgan quits humanity after criticism

Sneery McSneerface

Piers Morgan has pulled out of existing after a campaign to remove him from the planet raised two hundred signatures, nearly as many as watch ITV’s Good Morning Britain, which he hosts.

In a statement on his Facebook page, Mr Morgan, a former newspaper editor, said he had planned to go on living “for fun” but that a campaign to have him “banned” had been launched. He said it criticised his creative credentials, which was clearly nonsense in the light of his creative description of insider share dealing and telephone hacking, Continue reading

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Trump: ‘I have the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict’

‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’

President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.

“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.

“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
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Paul Nuttall denies being UKIP leader

Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP

Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”

Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading

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BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

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Office worker hides hatred of her ‘awful’ colleagues with generous leaving gifts

“If he sneezes in my Merlot, he’s a dead man.”

A Harold woman has admitted to spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on her colleague’s retirement, even though she can’t stand him.

Marian Smith, a secretary at Harold Bus Company, said that she has always found account manager Mick Walker to be “unrelentingly irritating”, thanks to his tuneless whistling, theatrically loud sneezes, and bad impressions.

“He’s always done that policeman from Allo Allo” said Marian, “which grates a bit after the 50th ‘good moaning’. But since Trump was elected he’s been saying “I’m gonna build a wall….” and “its gonna be yuge” Continue reading

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“Someone must be responsible for this NHS chaos” says Jeremy Hunt

“Come on, who’s to blame?”

Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.

Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”

Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn’s newspaper delivery boy offered shadow cabinet post

Not very happy. Kyle hoped for Defence portfolio

Resignations and rebellions have led Jeremy Corbyn to cast his net wider to fill his shadow cabinet. Corbyn has high hopes that 14 year-old Kyle Jones, who delivers his morning newspapers, will be his latest recruit.

“Kyle may be young but he has nearly two years work experience, which is more than the few Labour MPs I’ve not yet tried.”

Corbyn has offered Kyle the post of Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, to give him a broad overview of all areas before moving him to be Shadow Home Secretary the next time Diane Abbott gets, or becomes, another headache. So, some time next week. Continue reading

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Nothing compares 2 Q: Hunt getting good lowdown tingle over record NHS waiting times

‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’

Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.

“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”

“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading

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Salvation Army band splits due to musical differences.

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Mildred Fishbourne with the ’68 Salvation Army posse.

Veterans of the Harold Salvation Army band are frantically searching for new members after the entire percussion section quit in an acrimonious dispute over the future direction of the group.

Lead triangle player Mildred Fishbourne, the last original member from the classic 1968 ‘Godstock’ line up, has long harboured a desire to take the band in a more ‘Hippety Hoppity’ direction.

“One can’t stand still forever” said Mrs Fishbourne over a hot buttered crumpet. “The Saints Go Marching In has been a great success for the band over the years, but we haven’t had a major hit like that since The Floral Dance in the mid 70’s”.

“If we’re going to keep the fan base happy we need to modernise. That’s why we’ve decided to split away and form a new 30 piece woodwind and brass ensemble based around the Gangsta Rap genre”.

Meanwhile bassoonist Edward Cotterell, spokesman for the more conservative traditionalists within the band has been speaking out about the dispute.

“Of course we all want to remain relevant in an increasingly cynical world” he opined, “but when we were forced to play 50 cent’s ‘Wanksta’ at last week’s village bring and buy sale, that really was the biscuit”.

Divisions within the band seem irreparable. With the departure of such an important section of the traditional band, Salvation Army leaders have been desperately trying to find replacements to fill the band’s remaining tour commitments.

Unfotunately it looks as though tonight’s concert at The Lavendar and Pea old folks’ home in Dunstable will have to be cancelled after the entire brass section were gunned down in a drive by shooting, carried out by the Presbyterian Choral Massiv.

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NHS team up with Disney World for tips on queue management

NHS trusts in the UK have teamed up with U.S. based Disneyworld consultants to help manage increasing pressures on hospital queue targets.
Heading up the Disney team is Roy Peterson Jr, whose overarching strategy is clear: ”Who on earth would want to reduce queues? That’s where your quaint little doctors and nurses game has gone wrong – it’s all about optimising the size of the queue and then keeping people distracted whilst they are waiting – easy”. He went on “And FREE at the point of service? that stinks, we’ll be introducing a new smart wristband in the Autumn, one easy fee for up to 3 extra treatments per month”. Continue reading

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MND sufferer’s distress as he finds new Yorkshire accent is Geoffrey Boycott’s

“That’s brilliant is that.” Boycott listens to one of his own jokes

A man otherwise coping stoically with motor neurone disease has been plunged into despair, and finally driven to ask “Why me?” by the news he’ll be voiced by the legendary ar*ehole and cricket bore, Geoffrey Boycott.

Graham Cross from Yorkshire thought he’d get a nice synthesised Yorkshire voice, when the effects of MND rob him of the power of speech, but says he may now rely on a slate and chalk instead.

I’d hoped for Alan Bennett’s gentle, melodic burble. But it seems the NHS want me to have the grating tones of an arrogant, whining Continue reading

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