Wait a minute, they’ve got no ships, announces Grayling

Legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling finally realised today that the shipping firm to whom he awarded a £108m Brexit contract actually has no ships.

Despite the very obvious gaping sea-void where ships ought to be, which was noticed by everyone else within five minutes of the contact being announced, it seems that Mr Grayling has only just made the leap of logic required.

“It’s ridiculous,” he insisted to a group of ashen-faced journalists this morning. “I mean, come on, they don’t have any ships! What idiot signed this off?”

“And it gets worse,” he continued, to general awe from his audience. “Have you seen their website? It looks to me like they’ve only gone and copied the terms and conditions from a pizza delivery company!”

“Why does no-one notice these things? I mean, you’d have to be some kind of incompetent moron, wouldn’t you?”

Grayling was quick to reassure everyone that now he is onto this, the ludicrous contract has been cancelled, and there will be no repeat of this kind of fiasco.

“Forget ferries, we’re now seeking providers for an airline freight company to fly over all the medicines and things we’ll be desperately short of,” he explained.

“There’s one here in the phone book called Domino’s – they deliver in 15 minutes, apparently – I’ve already sent them the cheque.”

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Man suing parents for his appalling dress sense

A man in India has announced plans to sue his parents for his truly abysmal dress sense, arguing that only genetics can account for his ludicrous appearance.

Mumbai-based Raphael Samuel believes that children should not have to suffer ridicule from the general public merely because they have inherited disastrous fashion sense from their parents.

Appearing at a press conference clad in false beard and “I heart Piers Morgan” t-shirt, with some sort of miniature bra inexplicably wrapped around his head, Samuel attempted to argue that the tragic ensemble was the result of poor upbringing and an inherited predilection for looking like a tosser, before roars of journalistic laughter forced him to withdraw.

His parents, meanwhile, were quick to distance themselves from any responsibility for their eccentric offspring. “He’s adopted,” explained Samuel’s mother.

“At least, he will be, as soon as we can find anyone to take him.”

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Evil blackmailers force Amazon boss to watch ‘The Grand Tour’

Amazon boss and world’s richest man Jeff Bezos has revealed how blackmailers threatened to ruin his life unless he watched several episodes of TV show ‘The Grand Tour’.

In a shocking blog post, Bezos tells how blackmailers acquired his naked photos, and warned him they would release the pictures to the world unless he watched the entire third season of ‘The Grand Tour’, an obscure show starring a right bunch of old wankers.

“It’s been a hard decision to make,” explained an emotional Bezos, “the desperate lifelong shame that I would feel, or having people see me nude.”

“In the end I just couldn’t let myself do it. No-one should have to sit through a show with that bunch of old wankers. Who even makes this shite?”

A spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Dept explained that no-one is safe from such terrible crimes.

“It still shocks us, to be honest,” he said to journalists this morning. “That anyone could threaten a member of the public with an ordeal as terrible as having to watch those old wankers prat about.”

“It sickens me that anyone could be so revolting. And I’ve only seen the first episode.”

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New emojis for 2019 include wheelchair user, guide dog and Jacob Rees-Mogg burning in fires of hell

A total of 230 brand-new emojis are set to arrive to major platforms this year including a wheelchair user, guide dog and leading Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg burning for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

The Unicode Consortium – a computing industry standard for the consistent representation – released its official list of emojis for 2019 on Tuesday, revealing new additions across a number of categories including animals, culture and corrupt arseholes dragging this country into the shitter.

Following a proposal from Apple last year calling for more emojis to represent people with different disabilities, Unicode has announced the update will include people in wheelchairs, people with prosthetic limbs and service dogs.

All of these will be pictured dead, to represent exactly how long anyone who isn’t rich stands a chance of staying alive after a no-deal Brexit.

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Liam Neeson doesn’t notice perfectly square bit of dirt on window while waving

Actor Liam Neeson has been plunged into controversy after failing to notice a perfectly square black bit of dirt on his living room window and happening to wave at just the right angle to give the unfortunate impression that he was imitating Hitler.

Immediately accused of racism by several witnesses, Neeson was today frantically giving interviews and trying to explain that it was a complete misunderstanding, and that he is definitely NOT A RACIST.

“I feel terrible, it was a complete accident, and now everyone thinks I’m a racist,” he explained to reporters. “It could have happened to anyone. My housekeeper is a lovely woman but a little careless, and I had no idea that patch of dirt was right there.”

“And now everyone thinks I’m a racist. I’M NOT A RACIST.”

“It’s just bad luck. I mean, it’s not like I said I hate black people or something, is it? Only a racist would say a thing like that. Which I’m not.”

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MP Daniel Kawczynski says Britain survived losing WW2, so Brexit will be fine

Befuddled Tory MP Daniel Kwaczynski has defended his statement that Britain would easily be able to cope with a no-deal Brexit, given our record of recovering after losing World War Two.

Mr Kawczynksi confused many people with his original tweet on Saturday, in which he seemed to have forgotten that Britain, as one of the Allies, actually won the Second World War.

Thousands of people replied to the bizarre tweet to correct him, mostly through the medium of abuse.

Defiant to the last, the giant tosser doubled down on his earlier statement, insisting on Monday that he had obviously meant to say World War One.

“Mistake anyone could make, but my point remains,” insisted
Mr Kwczynksizxczxc. “Or was it Trafalgar?”

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Leaked schedule shows Trump spends seven hours a day being varnished

US President Donald Trump’s leaked daily private schedule shows he spends around 80 per cent of his time being varnished by a crack team of antique restorers, according to reports.

The schedule going back three months was leaked by an unknown White House staffer, and reveals that all but 30 minutes of Mr Trump’s days are spent in ‘Executive Time’, which is apparently code for extended sessions where dedicated teams work in relays layering thick coats of deep orange resins and semi-gloss varnishes to the Presidential face.

In response to the report, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders wrote that a “more creative environment” had “helped make Mr Trump the most productive president in modern history”.

“While other Presidents wasted their days making laws and working with people, Mr Trump is lying tirelessly in the Executive Hammock being painted orange.”

“It’s exhausting for him. I’ve seen him at the end of the day – the poor man is well and truly lacquered.”


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Yes of course we voted to starve to death, insists Sunderland

UK limited
Following the news of Nissan moving its operations to countries not on the brink of civil war, the population of Sunderland have insisted that starving to death was exactly what they were hoping for when they voted ‘leave’.

There had been suggestions that the largely leave-voting population of the area might have some regrets since it emerged that they’re all going to starve miserably to death, but locals insist the opposite is true.
“Mad” Barry Renfield, spokesloon for the pressure group Workers for Famine, maintained that the Brexit camp in the area had never been stronger.

”Yes, we might lose a few jobs. Lots of jobs. In fact, all the jobs. But we won’t be losing them to foreigners.”

”Apart from in the sense that the work we were hitherto employed to do will now be undertaken by a workforce in Japan, but that subtlety has completely eluded me.”

”In any case, there will always be work to do. Picking scraps of flesh off rotting corpses with a charred bone might not be what we thought we’d be doing, but we support it 100%, and we’ll roll our sleeves up. If we haven’t had to eat them to fend off starvation a few agonising days more.”

“Yes, the young will eat the old, the wolves will eat both, and piles of ash and excrement will tower over the remains of our homes, but we totally knew that when we voted!”

“It’s not all doom and gloom anyway. I’ve heard whispers there’s a German company moving into town. Funny name – ‘Schaden’ something? ‘…freude’, is it? Do they make fridges?”

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Queen to be encased in carbonite if Brexit turns ugly

British officials have revived emergency plans to freeze the Queen in carbonite and blast her into space should there be riots in London if Britain suffers a disruptive departure from the European Union.

“These emergency evacuation plans have been in existence since the cold war but have now been repurposed in the event of civil disorder following a no-deal Brexit,” the Sunday Times said, quoting an unnamed source from Cloud City on the gas planet of Bespin.

Jacob Rees-Vader, Sith Lord and keen supporter of Brexit, told the Mail on Sunday he believed the plans showed unnecessary panic by officials over a no-deal Brexit.

But an ex-police officer formerly in charge of royal protection disagreed. “If there were problems in London, clearly the Queen would be well-protected in carbonite” he was quoted as saying.

“If she survives the freezing process, that is.”

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Thatcher statue to be pre-fitted with urinals

In what is being seen across politics as a ‘brilliant compromise’, the statue of Margaret Thatcher being erected in Grantham is to come with pre-fitted urinals.

Sans urinals, the statue had been much criticised, with supporters outnumbered by doubters claiming that as Thatcher did so little for the wider community it would not be appropriate to celebrate her in a public space.

“Now we’ve come up with this idea, no-one can say it’s not good for the people of the town,” explained local councillor R. M. Renfield.

“You can simply admire her as a powerful figure who changed the shape of the country if that’s your bag, or if not, well – it’s very handy if you’re caught short while shopping. A real win-win.”

“It’s also a great time-saver for those of you who were planning to come along and piss on it anyway,” he continued.

“It’s so refreshing to see people from everywhere on the political spectrum getting behind this project. I think it shows that we can all get behind the really important things in life, and perhaps that’s a lesson for all them up at Westminster.”

Large queues are expected of those keen to try out the town’s new amenity first-hand, and locals are being advised to prepare by drinking plenty of water. More than they ever thought it possible to drink.

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Ariana Grande tattoo typo actually Japanese remedy for piles

Don’t try this at home. Unless you’ve got piles.
Pop star Ariana Grande was left red-faced today after accidentally tattooing a traditional Japanese haemorrhoid treatment on her palm.

The US singer’s attempt to ink a tribute to her hit single 7 Rings backfired after social media quickly chimed in to tell her the characters actually translated to shichirin: a small charcoal suppository used to treat inflammation of the rectal area.

Grande, 25, had posted a now-deleted photo of the new body art on Instagram before her fans pointed out the error.

In widely shared screenshots of now-deleted tweets, Grande acknowledged there were missing characters in the tattoo’s text, but noted that the design would not last, as skin on the palm regrows faster than that on the rest of the body and tattoos there usually fade.

She added that the whole incident had a very definite silver lining, as she’s now finally able to sit down comfortably for the first time in years.

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BBC reports May to be dropped on Brussels from Lancaster bomber

The BBC has blamed “human error” for a suggestion on its News at Six that Theresa May would be delivered to Brussels for Brexit talks by being dropped from a second world war Lancaster Bomber.

But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.

At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.

In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.

“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”

The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.

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No Deal stuck to the table with superglue confounds Downing Street cleaner

A beautiful antique table at the centre of a parliamentary row remained unpolished today after a Downing Street cleaner found a huge No Deal tome had been super-glued to it.

“No wonder she can’t take it off the table,” said domestic Rosa dela Marguerita, “I’ve tried everything, nothing will shift it.”

The No Deal is a far heftier work than The Deal, running to over 4000 blank pages.

“It’s lucky Jeremy didn’t fall for her invitation to talks,” said Diane Abbott.

“It’s obvious now she had this prank set up ready to tell him: Okay, there’s the No Deal, now let’s see you take it off the table. Then she’d do that laughing with her shoulders thing.”

A group of Oxford philosophers were relieved to learn that No Deal was an actual thing.

“We’ve been puzzling for ages over how something that was not a thing got put on the table in the first place. We made the mistake of thinking it was like No Cruet Set.”

[image credit:]
Frame photo created by jannoon028 – www.freepik.com

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Dyson launch ‘moral vacuum’

Sucks harder than anyone else
Sir James Dyson, the British billionaire inventor and outspoken Brexiter who has recently fled to Singapore, has proudly launched a new product, the Dyson “Moral Vacuum”.

The Moral Vacuum is designed to have 100% less integrity than rival products, and comes in cordless, bagless, spineless and gutless models.

“It’s a very simple concept”, explained one of the company’s senior engineers, shortly before packing his bag and high-tailing it out of the shitstorm his boss helped provoke.

“You just place the Dyson Moral Vacuum ™ into a country where people are struggling to cope with ideologically-driven austerity, and watch as all rational debate is sucked out, leaving the public debate 100% free of common sense, and replaced with whiter than white fear of foreigners.”

“It’s also amazing at reducing stubborn tax bills to nothing!”

Dyson’s panic run to the other side of the world comes at a time when many big companies are mysteriously moving their operations out of the UK. Sony is moving its European headquarters deep into the dope-smoking centre of Amsterdam, where apparently people make more sense than here, while P&O Ferries have just announced that their name now stands for Pissing Off.

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HM Queen ‘to take back control of Parliament’

Taking back control of the steering wheel.
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.

“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.

The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.

“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths  in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”

It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.

The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.

“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”

As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.

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Police scale back operations after Gatwick drone photo emerges

This changes everything

Police have dramatically called off all search operations in the Gatwick area after the first confirmed photograph emerged of the mystery “drone” which has brought chaos to the airport.

After days of unconfirmed sightings, officials were beginning to question whether the mystery flying object actually existed. This changed on Christmas Eve, when a passenger booked on flight HAR666 for Dunstable came forward with a clear photograph of a bearded object being propelled through the Gatwick sky by what appeared to be a team of reindeer.

“I saw it clear as day,” explained Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold. “Obviously some clever mechanical flying device done up to take the shape of a large merry gentleman with a large sack on what I can only describe as a sleigh.”

“I could even hear the motor whirring from where I was sitting on the airport observation deck. You couldn’t miss it, a kind of loud HOOOOOOOOOOing noise. Followed by a couple more.”

Authorities have insisted that the new photographic evidence does not indicate a threat, and that they have actually decided to cancel all search operations.

“My men and I are professionals,” insisted Detective Inspector Partridge of Gatwick Airport police. “We’re as keen as anyone to bring this mystery flyer to justice, but we have to consider the painstaking months we’ve all spent compiling our Christmas present list, and quite frankly none of us are prepared to put that in jeopardy.”

“Personally, I asked him for a ride-on mower, and I’m buggered if I’m getting on the naughty list for the sake of a few disgruntled holidaymakers.”

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‘Brexit – The Musical’ still not as tedious as Les Miserables, say critics.

2b6cb6cf8f61330eccb9671e49b9098aTheatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.

Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.

Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.

Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.

When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.

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UKIP unveil new logo

ukip logo

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Flatulent darts player accidentally leaks Rees-Mogg’s Brexit plan

Pro-hard-Brexit Conservatives have had their plans thrown into disarray after their secret rival proposal for exiting the EU was ‘leaked’ by a professional darts player.

Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.

As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena,  a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.

Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”

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1922 Committee receives 66 million letters of no confidence in Theresa May

Crowd queuing politely to deliver their letters of no confidence

Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.

“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”

“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”

“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”

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