In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading
Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.
“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading
Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.
“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.
“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading
With Brexit “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists predict it will be faked on a movie set
Shortly after David Davis said that Brexit was “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists across the country muttered “It’ll all be faked.”, tapped their noses, and adopted knowing smiles.
Harold conspiracy theorist Adam Cassidy, who knows that cannabis cures cancer, aliens landed at Roswell, and Tories have your best interests at heart, says the 1978 documentary Capricorn One proves that governments repeatedly fool Continue reading
Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading
“I’ve always been quite clear about this, it isn’t my money.” said Mrs May “So for me then, it’s not as tough as, say, choosing between more red shoes or a weekend in the country. Although Philip buys my shoes and the public pays for my Chequers weekends but you get the idea.”
The Prime Minister said that with just ten DUP MPs, dividing up the £100,000,000 would be relatively easy as, despite appearances suggesting otherwise, none of them has more than the standard number of fingers Continue reading
Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading
Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village
In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.
Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading
McLaren’s F1 drivers, Fernando Alonso and the other one, will start at the back until 2018, to stop them interrupting the race itself.
“Without this new rule,” says former F1 driver, David Coulthard “other cars taking grid penalties might push the McLarens further up the field, from where their woeful engines will make them dangerous, slow-moving mobile chicanes.”
Race organisers highlight another important safety issue; if, as seems likely, the McLarens need a push start, Continue reading
The baby-sitter on the doorstep who’d make you seriously re-think going out at all, has clumped all over Brexit talks in her size 10s, like a fart at an investiture.
Hard on the heels of David Davis’ Day 1 U-turn, the PM has waded into Brexit talks with an offer to EU nationals post-Brexit, to show her colleagues the real meaning of a car-crash.
Donald Tusk described Mrs May’s plan as being “below expectations”, which is Polish for f-cking useless. Angela Merkel, on the other hand was clear that there’d been “no breakthrough”, which is German Continue reading
Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.
“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading
The palace have made a special announcement on behalf of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, stating that she plans to retire once she’s laid her 70 millionth egg.
Her Majesty, who founded the UK in 1952, has been busily producing offspring ever since, taking the population up to 65 and a half million.
But at 91 years old, her royal ovipostor is showing its age; which has led many in her household to advise knocking it off.
With millions of workers keeping the colony afloat, a few thousand soldiers protecting its borders and 650 drones fucking everyone about from the House of Commons, the UK colony has seen good times and bad. But there are fears now that a shortage of suitable accommodation and inadequate food supplies will lead to an increase in hive members spraying each other in the face with formic acid and surreptitiously eating the larvae.
Although Prince Philip’s ailing health has resulted in his reduced public workload, it’s believed that he’s put by sufficient sperm packets to enable the queen to keep pumping out the pupae for a while yet.
But since Camilla Duchess of Cornwall is ineligible to take over from the Queen, the Duchess of Cambridge is preparing for the inevitable succession with strenuous pelvic floor exercises and quaffing large amounts of Prince’s royal jelly.
The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.
The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.
“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading
After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.
“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.
“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading
The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading
For some reason, an overweight man with plans to cycle his way to fitness is only able to do so on the lightest bike around.
“On an old steel-framed one, forty miles of a Sunday morning would take ages” wheezed William McKean, after his partner noticed he’d been googling ‘Titanium frames for under £1000?’ from the sofa.
Harold’s fattest man, McKean is best known locally as the star of the TV documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. Continue reading
Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading
People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?
“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading
“This is typical EU sloppiness.” claimed Ukip’s Roger Helmer who has resigned as an MEP, ahead of demands he repay £100K spent illicitly employing a Ukip party worker, in breach of the rules.
“Even a banana republic wouldn’t let me misuse that much money” Helmer said, with passion “The public deserves better and happily, with Brexit, such brazen scandals will soon be a thing of the past”adding Continue reading