Discovery of water on Mars will not avert hosepipe ban, says water company

Not to mention the pot holes…

While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.

“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.

“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”

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Filed under environment, floods, Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, science, Space, Weather

Village offers Red Arrows ‘a new home and an indoor runway’

‘Break right, break right, then line up on the courgettes’

Harold’s allotment committee has offered a new home to the RAF Red Arrows team, which will be homeless once RAF Scampton is sold off.

The former WW2 airstrip has been under cultivation since 1946 but in 2014 was converted to an indoor facility, in the hope of winning lucrative air traffic when more conventional outdoor airports were Continue reading

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PM says it’s time to get on with it, after two years dithering by ‘one of the countries involved’

“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”

The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.

The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading

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Boris’ popularity in opinion polls is the ‘final proof’ of UK’s stupidity

Holding his head to stop it exploding

With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.

“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading

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‘It’s not too late to save my career’ says Boris Johnson

Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo

The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.

“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.

Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”

Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister

The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.

“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.

“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.

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Sex pests move to distance themselves from Tory minister

Griffiths likes whipping his out in public for selfies

UK sex pests have moved to protect their reputation after it emerged that a member of their Westminster branch was secretly a junior government minister.

Andrew Griffiths spends 40 or 50 hours a week texting lewd suggestions to young women, but has been sensationally revealed as minister for Continue reading

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England gripped with third-place playoff fever

“No-one remembers who finished fourth”

England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.

“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”

England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.

“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”

“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”

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Filed under News, World Cup

No more diving to rescue your football team, warns referee

Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training

The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.

“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”

“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport, World Cup

Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, EU referendum, Politics

England squander glorious chance to lose penalty shootout

England football fans are panicking that their 4 yearly bout of misery is turning totally pear-shaped and they might just win the World Cup.

Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss.
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Frying pan or Fire? Cabinet split over which plan to let the EU reject

Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive

Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.

David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.

In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading

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Hero dog fetched fire brigade after locking its owner in car on hot day

Harold crossbreed terrier Barney has been hailed a hero after alerting Dunstable Fire Brigade to a man locked in a car on the hottest day of the year.

“I accidentally ate four packets of chocolate chip cookies in the back of the car on the way home from Tesco,” Barney told the Evening Harold, “and then puked all over the rear seat.”

Sensing his owner was a bit narked, Barney made a bolt for it when they reached home, grabbing the car key from the ignition in his mouth and putting the car in lockdown mode. He then buried the key ‘somewhere in the back garden’.

Half an hour later, Barney decided to check on his owner, who seemed to be taking a long time to bring the shopping in, only to see him gasping for air inside the steamed up car and writing ‘EM PLEH’ in yoghurt on the windscreen. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Motoring, Weather

Wetherspoon’s Tim Martin to exhale enough CO2 to get them through crisis

Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …

Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.

Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how Continue reading

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‘You can still lie down in front of the bulldozers’ the UK tells Boris

The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged

Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.

An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Transport

Trump ready to go to Mars for talks with the Martians

“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”

“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”

Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.

“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, Donald Trump, environment, Intergalactic News, Nostalgia, Space, Transport, Travel

Crayfish removes claw to escape Brexit fan in pub

Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release

A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.

Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.

At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.

As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.

At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.

Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.

 

 

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JCB ‘standing by’ to replace Harley-Davidson imports hit by trade war

More aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamic than Harley originals

In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.

However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.

“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.

“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading

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Filed under Donald Trump, International News, News, USA

Rail Minister won’t resign: “I’ve f*cked up more than this and wasn’t sacked”

Anyone got a tissue? I was thinking of sacking poor people and ooohh …”

Perennial arsehole, Chris Grayling says he won’t resign in the wake of the catastrophic meltdown of the rail system because “some big boys did it and ran away”.

“It’s not my fault” said the front-bench arsehole, whose management of the criminal justice system was so appalling that his replacement, Michael Gove seemed like a breath of enlightened fresh air. [Look, we can’t do everything for you; just google ‘Chris Grayling, Minister of Justice’ and see for yourselves. Best have a large gin to hand when you do so, unless it’s after 2pm when you can have a quadruple.]

Grayling’s survival in the cabinet led many to believe he has the negatives from Theresa May’s pornographic bio-pic “Give it to me Big Boy” which charted her otherwise inexplicable rise to the highest public office in the land.

“Trust me” said Grayling, who one claimed parliamentary expenses for a property only stumbling-distance from the House of Commons and a mere  seventeen minutes by rail from his actual home. “I’m a Conservative.”

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The idiot Liam Fox: US steel tariffs ‘are all part of my cunning plan’

“Darling, the baby sitter’s here.” “Good God, tell him we’re not going out.”

Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.

Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.

To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.

Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.

 

  • His full title is, of course: “The disgraced former Defence Secretay, Liam Fox” [Thanks to Linda Roulston for correcting our oversight]

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Filed under International News, News, USA

Jacob Rees-Mogg keen on ‘really hard landing’ for PM in Brexit sky-diving

Or even from the tower of my stately home

Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.

“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading

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