Rabbits commemorate death of Richard Adams by f*cking all day

Rampant rabbit

Rampant rabbit

Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.

Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.

As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.

“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.

“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”

“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”

Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”

“Fancy a shag?”

 

 

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Filed under Nature, Obituary, Sex

Kickstarter campaign launched to send Death on holiday

Hello Sandman fans, you're looking lovely today

Hello Sandman fans, you’re looking lovely today

As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading

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Generation Z delighted 80% of middle-aged Brits are fat, drunk and unhealthy

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle.  Continue reading

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Merry Christmas

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

donald-trump-grow-up

Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Adult siblings looking forward to Christmas regression row

enhanced-buzz-24173-1258996940-5

Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT

Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading

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Man thinks his colleagues are genuinely interested in his plans for Christmas

bored3

“Don’t bother minuting this, love.”

A man clearly believes his colleagues really want to know his Chistmas plans, after a casual question yesterday led him to give ten minutes of PowerPoint guff about it in today’s staff meeting.

Harold Tesco Express manager, Paul Watts says “my guys” were fascinated that his in-laws will arrive late Christmas Eve and stay until Tuesday, although  Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Welcome break from complexities of Islamic terrorism provided by Nigel Farage being balls out awful

ukip-leader-nigel-farage

“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein

The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.

“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading

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Glastonbury moving every year ‘to hide from Coldplay’

Revellers flock to new venue

Revellers flock to new venue

The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.

The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.

Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.

“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”

“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”

“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”

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Mice opt to restore Earth to an earlier point and run 2016 again

capture

At this point would anyone mind if the Vogons turned up and did their thing?

Mice, the hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who paid for the computer we all live on, have decided to hit system restore and run 2016 again. Continue reading

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Heimlich manoeuvre inventor dies after getting stuck in lion’s throat

"It's more of a gesture"

Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.

Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.

Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.

“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”

“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”

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Filed under Food, Medicine, Nature

Uncertainty over if today you can legit ‘Christmas eat’ or not

Festive Fayre

A healthy and nutritious dinner for one

The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.

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Students demand safe space from judgemental Father Christmas

fc

Fascist

The National Union of Students at the University of Dunstable is intensifying its campaign for a dedicated safe space for students to avoid the trauma of being deemed naughty or nice by Father Christmas. Continue reading

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Grayling: “Knocking over a cyclist is a metaphor for my political credo.”

chris-grayling-cyclist

Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut

Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.

“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading

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by | December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm

Christians oppose 3-parent IVF babies: “three persons in one is just wrong.”

baby

“This is just wrong!”

Christians in the UK have slammed new IVF rules, which permit babies being made from three people. “It’s not right is it, whoever heard of three identities existing in one person? ” asked Andy, Curate at St Pauls in Harold, adjusting his spectacles.

“Anyway, we shouldn’t tamper with nature in this way.”he said, whilst turning up his hearing aid, adding Continue reading

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Emily Thornberry: “Monkey pilots, flying space-buggies, must go to Syria”

emily-thornberry

“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”

Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.

“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading

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Wales to close after Trump tweet knocks billions off value

wales_flagThe latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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Britain First even fails to become a banned organisation

britaynfirts

It’s a telephone Paul. Just say “Hello, this is Paul.”

Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.

The knuckle-dragging f**kwit ‘party’ has been asking for funds for some days, on the premise they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy Season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative scams, Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Jennifer Lawrence to be new face of Anusol

Piles of talent

Piles of talent

Jennifer Lawrence’s embarrassing Hawaii ‘butt-scratching’ incident has finished with a happy ending after the actress received a five-digit approach from the makers of “Anusol” to be the new face of their rectal itching remedy.

A spokesperson for chemical giant Pfizer thanked Lawrence for raising awareness of this delicate condition, explaining that it is not uncommon for sufferers to face vilification, abuse or even backstabbing.

“We sufferers of anal discomfort do not choose when we need to scratch, and society frowns if we simply put our hand up and admit it.”

“Very often there is nothing else to hand but a sacred monument of some kind, and it’s a case of ‘needs must’.”

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Filed under Movies, Religion

Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves

capture

They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading

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