Stay in the USA: world imposes travel ban on the Elf on the Shelf

Can’t think of a funny caption. It’s freaking us out

There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite.  Continue reading

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Filed under International News

‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading

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Trump to start World War III to distract everyone from links with Russia

We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4

Hang on, we’re right. Aren’t we?

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Daft ‘head of NHS England’ moaning about cash again

Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt

Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.

Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading

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Never mind the Brexit, here’s the Royal Family

Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.

The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading

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Archbishop of York’s dog collar ‘only partly’ responsible for Mugabe going

Narsil, the Dog Collar that was broken

Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.

Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.

“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading

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UK unsure if budget means it’s merely been given a pleasing low down tingle or a right royal seeing to

Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it

Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.

Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg says that as divorce is un-Catholic, so is any EU divorce bill

Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency

Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”

The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading

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Driverless cars ‘logical next step’ for rudderless government says Chancellor

It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence

With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.

“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading

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Explorer begs wife’s forgiveness for being rescued by the Daily Mail

Grrrrr ……

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News

Brexit deadline: David Davis ‘actively considering’ working second day a week

I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least

With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.

“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”

“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading

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Study shows link between austerity and 120,000 deaths: that’s not enough, say Tories

Iain gets teary when he thinks about how many disabled and vulnerable people are still extant

Tory ministers past and present are sadder than Hodor’s death following the publication of a report that shows an association between austerity and 120,000 people upping stumps and retiring to the pavilion. Continue reading

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God smites Australia with gorgeous weather and a beautiful country

God says further smiting will include a plague of Ashes victories and excellent wine

It’s been triumph and tragedy today for the planet’s biggest exporters of Minogues and disgusting lager as Australia gave the non-bigoted world a smile by voting for marriage equality to become law only to then be smited by God.
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Facebook ridiculed after banning innocent ‘robin’ Christmas cards

Cock Robin

There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.

The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.

The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.

But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.

A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.

“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.

“But that was because he really is a cunt.”

 

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Filed under Art, Christmas, News

Turkeys seek transitional period to avoid hard Christmas

“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”

Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.

“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.

“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
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Priti Patel resigns, “definitely not sacked”

“Trust me. I was definitely not sacked.”

Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.

In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.

Mrs May said Ms Patel’s Continue reading

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As Cabinet haemorrhages continue, Larry the Downing Street cat put on standby

Larry is expected to jump at the chance

With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.

The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”

“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tory sex scandal

British weather finally admits it just likes messing with us

That’ll learn you for blaming me for stiff joints & bad tv reception. Twats.”

After several months in which temperatures have fluctuated wildly between unseasonably warm and freezing, with added storms, gale force winds, fog, and torrential rain, the British weather has confirmed what many of us thought: it’s mucking about “for shits and giggles”.

“Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’m being blamed for loads of stuff that’s not really my fault” said the weather. “Traffic jams, power cuts, crop failures, rises in the cost of house insurance. It started to piss me off. You need to take some responsibility for your own poor infrastructure and Continue reading

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Local hedgehogs to fight back on bonfire night

It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it

Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.

“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold