Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

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Royalist idiots want a say on who is their next hereditary monarch

Laughing Boy is still waiting but will he get the votes?

Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.

“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Alec Fairchild from Harold, who was interviewed on behalf of the Sun. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t remember Continue reading

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Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office

Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.

“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.

“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading

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Porsche 4X4 driver says yes, he is entitled to use up to 75% of the road

I’m very,very rich so in town I park on the pavement

A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.

“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”

He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading

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A level results less relevant than birth weight two seconds after you get your first job

Claim you went here and got lots of O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts, no one will ever check

A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.

“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”

“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”

The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.

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Tom Cruise breaks his leg whilst jumping off his wallet

“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”

Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.

“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.

“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading

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Trump rows back on conceding Charlottesville violence may not have been entirely the victims’ fault

Donald Trump showing off with his one times table

President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.

The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading

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Defence Minister warns world “Don’t mess with us in six years’ years’ time”

“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…”

The Royal Navy’s biggest boat sailed into Portsmouth today and naval chiefs are already bragging about how powerful it will be, after its aircraft arrive in 2023.

“Don’t mess with us, is the message.” said Defence Minister Harriett Baldwin, who was once in the Sea Cadets so definitely knows what she’s talking about.

“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…” said Baldwin, running her hand along a railing in a slightly disturbing manner Continue reading

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David Davis: “Young Mr Grace says Brexit is going ‘incredibly well'”

“Wibble.” David Davis, just after taking his pants off his head

The Minister for Exiting Our Right Minds said today that the Brexit process is great and a character from a 1970s sit-com, young Mr Grace, has told him he’s personally ‘done very well’.

Speaking on R4’s Today programme this morning, David Davis took his pants from his head, two HB pencils from his nose and explained that the lack of clarity, over the government’s plan, is intentional, calling it “constructive ambiguity”. No, really, that’s what he said. We didn’t Continue reading

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‘How on earth do people get so racist?’ despairs Nigel Farage

Heil me!

The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.

“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.

Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.

“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.

“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”

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Fears grow for exhausted hacks constantly churning out Diana articles

‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’

The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading

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Oh great – it’s a nuclear pissing contest and one guy loves golden showers

The world is resigned to Armageddon after the realisation that at least one of the leaders in the US / North Korean nuclear pissing contest positively welcomes a golden shower.

“We’re screwed. Trump is goading Kim Jong-un to fire an ICBM tipped in prostitute’s piss in our direction” sighed Washington DC cab driver Ed Stevens.
Continue reading

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Queen orders newly retired Prince Philip a shed to get him out from under her feet

Looks like One has just spotted a peasant

Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading

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BBC apologises for athletics interrupting expert analysis

Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.

BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.

“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading

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“Bag for Life” expectancies in UK takes sharp fall

I often buy £10 bags, so I’m not expecting much for 10P

After Tesco announced yesterday that they will only sell Bags for Life at checkouts, new figures released show a sharp drop in life expectancies in the UK for a bag for life.

Whilst other nations on the continent enjoy much longer bag for life times, poor diet choices and obesity are being blamed for the drop in UK levels.

“The data shows us that in the north of England, a bag for life has a longer expectancy then the south” says retail analyst Rob Brooks.

The Mail Online stated this morning that this is due to benefit cheats and immigrants Continue reading

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“New UK grass snake” probably just Michael Gove on countryside holiday

“there’s still a brief window of opportunity”

Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove,  not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.

This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.

Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading

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Leaked Game of Thrones episode mistaken for documentary on Brexit Britain

Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?

Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.

“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”

“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”

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Shock as “Harry Potter and the Brexit Negotiation” fails to capture readers imaginations

Blimey, Harry’s not aged well

Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.

“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”

“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”

“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”

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Justin Gatlin thanks his lawyers and the drugs industry for his success

Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash

Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.

“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.

He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading

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Daily Mail on Mo Farah: yeah, but he didn’t sing the National Anthem

Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”

With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.

“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.

Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.

It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.

He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.

He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.

“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.

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