“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”
The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.
“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”
“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading
With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.
Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.
Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading
Suppositories in human form
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.
Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.
“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.
“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.
Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.
“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”
Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.
“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”
A typical wad of cash.
HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.
Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.
HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift. They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.
Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.
“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.
“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”
The Russian Ambassador has complained about prejudiced UK weather reports.
“You get bit of snow and immediately point finger at Russia. Not fair. You have no evidence to support theory of cold air from Siberia.”
But the met office has confirmed that the recent big freeze was correctly identified as the Beast from the East, or Storm Vladimir Putin to give it its proper name.
“The evidence is there,” said a BBC weatherwoman, pointing to the carcass of a yeti washed up on a beach in Norfolk.
“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” [did I say that out loud?]
Theresa May has confirmed that her government’s innovative plan to force property developers to develop property is nothing like Labour’s discredited socialist plan to force property developers to develop property.
“Nothing has changed, nothing has changed.” insisted the PM, before being re-booted by her adviser.
“Labour’s ridiculous out-of-touch plans, which we cut and pasted into our strategy document yesterday, bore no resemblance to our shiny new Continue reading
Filed under Housing, News
Cancer today announced that it is running scared yet again as Stephen Fry has got it on the ropes and is now in recovery following surgery for prostate cancer. Continue reading
Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano
Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.
“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”
“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading
Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]
The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.
“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
No warning that it might contain chicken
As deep-fried breadcrumb retailers KFC closed a number of shops, having run out of chicken, the UK public asked “Hold on, are you saying there’s chicken in KFC?”
Local vegetarian Pippa Delaney says she was shocked to find the popular fast-food snack might contain meat, as she has at times eaten KFC at Motorway service stops, whilst her electric car Continue reading
“Psychopaths, we need to hear from you too.” says the President
Using his well-known medical superpowers, Donald Trump has diagnosed the perpetrator of the Parkland shooting as being white and thus mentally ill.
From there, the President swiftly moved on to criticise other mentally ill people for not appearing in front of a battery of hundreds of cameras, on nationwide TV, to condemn the slaughter “committed by one of their Continue reading
We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day
A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.
“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading
A Harold man managed to fulfill his fantasy of sliding down a ice slope in a giant cheese sandwich and, as a happy by-product, represent the UK at the Winter Olympics in the double luge event.
Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.
“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly.
Just a few pounds a week will buy a man or woman
Oxfam Directors are meeting to decide whether to ban staff from looting abandoned houses and buying sex from earthquake victims they’re supposed to be helping.
“It’s a tough one, that’s for sure,” said an Oxfam spokeswoman “as we like our staff on the ground to use their initiative. But on balance, we probably should draw a line somewhere, even if only to give us a clear brand identity, distinct from local gangs, militia and the Continue reading
Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day
A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.
“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”
“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading
Filed under charity, News
As the UK political climate continues to be as relentlessly grim as that episode of Sesame Street which begins with Bert finally snapping and ends with him turning the gun on himself it has been announced that the very real Willo the Wisp will replace the entirely mythical will of the people in all future Brexit discourse. Continue reading