Sex pests move to distance themselves from Tory minister

Griffiths likes whipping his out in public for selfies

UK sex pests have moved to protect their reputation after it emerged that a member of their Westminster branch was secretly a junior government minister.

Andrew Griffiths spends 40 or 50 hours a week texting lewd suggestions to young women, but has been sensationally revealed as minister for Continue reading

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England gripped with third-place playoff fever

“No-one remembers who finished fourth”

England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.

“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”

England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.

“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”

“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”

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No more diving to rescue your football team, warns referee

Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training

The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.

“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”

“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading

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Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, EU referendum, Politics

England squander glorious chance to lose penalty shootout

England football fans are panicking that their 4 yearly bout of misery is turning totally pear-shaped and they might just win the World Cup.

Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss.
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Frying pan or Fire? Cabinet split over which plan to let the EU reject

Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive

Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.

David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.

In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading

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Hero dog fetched fire brigade after locking its owner in car on hot day

Harold crossbreed terrier Barney has been hailed a hero after alerting Dunstable Fire Brigade to a man locked in a car on the hottest day of the year.

“I accidentally ate four packets of chocolate chip cookies in the back of the car on the way home from Tesco,” Barney told the Evening Harold, “and then puked all over the rear seat.”

Sensing his owner was a bit narked, Barney made a bolt for it when they reached home, grabbing the car key from the ignition in his mouth and putting the car in lockdown mode. He then buried the key ‘somewhere in the back garden’.

Half an hour later, Barney decided to check on his owner, who seemed to be taking a long time to bring the shopping in, only to see him gasping for air inside the steamed up car and writing ‘EM PLEH’ in yoghurt on the windscreen. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Motoring, Weather

Wetherspoon’s Tim Martin to exhale enough CO2 to get them through crisis

Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …

Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.

Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how Continue reading

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‘You can still lie down in front of the bulldozers’ the UK tells Boris

The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged

Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.

An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading

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Trump ready to go to Mars for talks with the Martians

“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”

“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”

Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.

“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, Donald Trump, environment, Intergalactic News, Nostalgia, Space, Transport, Travel

Crayfish removes claw to escape Brexit fan in pub

Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release

A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.

Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.

At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.

As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.

At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.

Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.

 

 

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JCB ‘standing by’ to replace Harley-Davidson imports hit by trade war

More aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamic than Harley originals

In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.

However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.

“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.

“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading

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Rail Minister won’t resign: “I’ve f*cked up more than this and wasn’t sacked”

Anyone got a tissue? I was thinking of sacking poor people and ooohh …”

Perennial arsehole, Chris Grayling says he won’t resign in the wake of the catastrophic meltdown of the rail system because “some big boys did it and ran away”.

“It’s not my fault” said the front-bench arsehole, whose management of the criminal justice system was so appalling that his replacement, Michael Gove seemed like a breath of enlightened fresh air. [Look, we can’t do everything for you; just google ‘Chris Grayling, Minister of Justice’ and see for yourselves. Best have a large gin to hand when you do so, unless it’s after 2pm when you can have a quadruple.]

Grayling’s survival in the cabinet led many to believe he has the negatives from Theresa May’s pornographic bio-pic “Give it to me Big Boy” which charted her otherwise inexplicable rise to the highest public office in the land.

“Trust me” said Grayling, who one claimed parliamentary expenses for a property only stumbling-distance from the House of Commons and a mere  seventeen minutes by rail from his actual home. “I’m a Conservative.”

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The idiot Liam Fox: US steel tariffs ‘are all part of my cunning plan’

“Darling, the baby sitter’s here.” “Good God, tell him we’re not going out.”

Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.

Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.

To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.

Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.

 

  • His full title is, of course: “The disgraced former Defence Secretay, Liam Fox” [Thanks to Linda Roulston for correcting our oversight]

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Jacob Rees-Mogg keen on ‘really hard landing’ for PM in Brexit sky-diving

Or even from the tower of my stately home

Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.

“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading

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NHS staff ‘delighted’ by news of another reorganisation

“The NHS is safe in my, oops …”

Local NHS staff have joyfully welcomed the prospect of another reorganisation.

“Fantastic news!” cried Harold GP Dr Clive Evans, who had been toying with the idea of taking early retirement. “But you can forget about that now. I can’t wait to get stuck into lots of new forms and protocols. Oh, oh, oh … and briefing seminars, where you pretend to be your favourite animal. My Salamander from the Lansley reforms is still talked of at Dunstable Continue reading

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Plane crash almost forces Royal wedding off BBC news’ top-spot

“Aww… aren’t they lovely though?”

A hundred deaths in a Havana air crash came close to nudging the Royal wedding off the top spot on BBC news today.

“There were no Meghan Markle relatives on board,” explained the BBC’s Huw Edwards from Windsor Castle “which is the frankly unusual element of the story we used to justify covering it.”

Survivors were spoken to in hospital by the BBC Cuba correspondent, Will Grant, who asked which part of the Royal wedding they’d most been looking forward to and how they felt about Continue reading

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Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

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White people not sure if they’re allowed to copy the dance moves from ‘This is America’

The most easily sunburned section of the village’s population are tonight wondering if emulating Donald Glover’s moves in his new music video is okay or so not cool they might as well break into an impression of Jim Davidson doing his “hilarious” Chalky routine (younger readers don’t ask, just be grateful that this is not knowledge you possess). Continue reading

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Iain Duncan Smith: 270 breast-screening early deaths ‘chicken feed’

IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’

Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.

“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading

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