Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough

Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.

Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

Police quiz Paul Nuttall over “holding feet to fire” threat

Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”

The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.

“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall  threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent  Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.

Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.

Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.

The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.

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WikiTribune site closes due to lack of factual news

That’s cleared that up then.

New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.

“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”

We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Media, News

Dead giant rabbit was ‘disruptive’, say United Airlines

That rabbit’s dynamite!

The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.

In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.

Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.

“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”

“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”

“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”

Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.

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Filed under Nature, News, Transport

Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes

Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.

“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”

Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.

“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading

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Tony Blair may face prosecution over threat to return to front line politics

He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes

Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.

“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and  those weird Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading

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Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

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McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport

Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News, TV

Trump insists on riding hippogriff across London during state visit

You think he’d more of a Dementor person really

Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading

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Sun’s equal op’s policy sees Kelvin MacKenzie offend every Everton fan

Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?

The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.

MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.

“You know, idiots or those who are both  blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading

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Filed under Liverpool, Media

Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws

Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson

The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.

High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society

Shrugging competition to decide French Election

“So?”

With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them.  A shrugging competition.

Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.

Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, Politics

United Airlines security drag ‘grateful’ Sean Spicer from Whitehouse press briefing

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.

“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”

In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”

But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Golden Showers, International News, News, Trump, USA

An ode in celebration of Southern rail boss Charles Horton being awarded a near 100% pay rise

This Southern train appears to be in motion, must be a fake photograph

This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,

Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…

Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading

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Filed under Transport

Everyone hiding from horror of world under a blanket of Monkmania

He is a golden god walking amongst us mere mortals

The country is more chillaxed than David Cameron on a Florida beach this morning as it has collectively decided to ignore reality and worship a very clever Canadian chap.
“Oooh Monkmania!” enthused local fan of things Jane Hough. “I just love him! The way he presses that buzzer and then answers correctly again and again and again. I’ll be on Twitter for hours tonight talking about him. Why? Have you seen the news from, well, everywhere? I’m not dealing with any of that heaving sack of bobbins, environmental disaster and hypocrisy until I have to.” Continue reading

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Filed under TV

Daily Mail demands cut-price summer BBQs, as well as holidays

There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price

Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.

Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.

“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading

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Filed under Holidays, News