Pfft and harumph
Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.
“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”
Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.
“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”
Griffiths likes whipping his out in public for selfies
UK sex pests have moved to protect their reputation after it emerged that a member of their Westminster branch was secretly a junior government minister.
Andrew Griffiths spends 40 or 50 hours a week texting lewd suggestions to young women, but has been sensationally revealed as minister for Continue reading
Larry is expected to jump at the chance
With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.
The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”
“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading
“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”
The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.
With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.
“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading
He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone
Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.
Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading