Category Archives: Shopping

Shoplifting ban should be suspended, rules court of appeal, as ‘everyone knows how to get past security bloke’

Now nick & collect, rule judges

Now nick & collect, rule judges

A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.

The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.

They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.
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by | April 19, 2016 · 9:17 am

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

Sports Direct staff now ‘forced to build pyramid’

ashley_pyramid

Diamond Giza?

Concerns are growing over the conditions facing Sports Direct employees after it emerged that most of them are now spending 12-hour days slaving over the construction of pyramids under the harsh desert sun.

The company has long had a reputation for poor treatment of staff, with zero-hours contracts, below minimum-pay wages and frequent beatings, but this is thought to be the first time that workers have actually been roped to huge blocks of stone and whipped until they dragged them huge distances on crude rollers.

The company controls a wide variety of famous brands, including Dunlop and Slazenger, but never before has it diversified into enormous burial sites.

“My child had to stay at school when he was sick,” complained one anonymous worker, “because we’re not allowed mobile phones at work, so the teachers couldn’t contact me. Also, I was chained to a thousand other slaves, slowing dragging a hundred-ton block of limestone.”

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Tesco delivers 24-piece dinner set – in 48 separate pigs’ anuses

plateIn a surprise turn of events, a dinner service from Tesco has been delivered in nearly 50 porcine rectums.

Normally, excess packaging wouldn’t warrant widespread reporting, but the porky bumhole nature of these parcels brought them to everyone’s attention.

London couple David and Samantha Cameron ordered the plates and slightly smaller plates from the low-budget supermarket, in an attempt to woo working class guests.

“When the little lorry turned up, I was quite surprised to find a side plate wrapped in a still-warm colon”, said Samantha. “But I thought to myself ‘I suppose this is what happens if you don’t order from Selfridges’, and carried on unwrapping.”
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