Category Archives: News

Princes kissing sleeping beauties sends wrong message, says school

“You can tell she wants it.” the Prince told himself

Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.

“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading

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UN finally intervenes in Trump/ Kim Jong-un spat. “Right, here’s the tape measure. Slap your cocks on the desk!”

“I can take it, can he dish it out?”

An exasperated head of the UN has ordered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to get their todgers out and have them measured at the same temperature, under laboratory conditions.

“We’ve had enough of them using metaphors, like the size of their hands or their nuclear weapons strength for the size of their schlongs” said UN Secretary General, António Guterres, “so now’s the time to see if either of them can match eight half-crowns.”

Trump’s obsession with the size of his old man Continue reading

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Grayling on rail fare rises “Buy a second home on expenses, like me.”

Astonishingly, Grayling really is as daft and as honest as he looks

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.

“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading

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Research shows bad things not made worse by ‘happening at Christmas’

Imagine being stuck in a lift with this prick – at Christmas

Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.

“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.

Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.

“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading

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Government still full of wankers

The lot of them

Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.

In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.

“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.

“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”

“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”

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Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote

Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading

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Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman

Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.

The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.

“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading

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PM’s intervention secures last-minute deal, agreeing to all the EU’s demands

… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.

Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.

“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading

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“Yes, that’s all gone very well in Jerusalem” says Donald Trump

They’re probably just playing games for fun


Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.

“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”

Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading

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“No, I haven’t done my homework. I thought I’d just lie about it.” says Davis

his laptop crashed and the dog ate it anyway

David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.

Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.

The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading

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‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading

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Archbishop of York’s dog collar ‘only partly’ responsible for Mugabe going

Narsil, the Dog Collar that was broken

Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.

Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.

“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading

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UK unsure if budget means it’s merely been given a pleasing low down tingle or a right royal seeing to

Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it

Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.

Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg says that as divorce is un-Catholic, so is any EU divorce bill

Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency

Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”

The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading

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Explorer begs wife’s forgiveness for being rescued by the Daily Mail

Grrrrr ……

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading

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Brexit deadline: David Davis ‘actively considering’ working second day a week

I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least

With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.

“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”

“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading

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Facebook ridiculed after banning innocent ‘robin’ Christmas cards

Cock Robin

There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.

The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.

The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.

But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.

A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.

“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.

“But that was because he really is a cunt.”

 

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Turkeys seek transitional period to avoid hard Christmas

“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”

Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.

“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.

“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Continue reading

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As Cabinet haemorrhages continue, Larry the Downing Street cat put on standby

Larry is expected to jump at the chance

With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.

The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”

“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading

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