Category Archives: News
The schedule going back three months was leaked by an unknown White House staffer, and reveals that all but 30 minutes of Mr Trump’s days are spent in ‘Executive Time’, which is apparently code for extended sessions where dedicated teams work in relays layering thick coats of deep orange resins and semi-gloss varnishes to the Presidential face.
In response to the report, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders wrote that a “more creative environment” had “helped make Mr Trump the most productive president in modern history”.
“While other Presidents wasted their days making laws and working with people, Mr Trump is lying tirelessly in the Executive Hammock being painted orange.”
“It’s exhausting for him. I’ve seen him at the end of the day – the poor man is well and truly lacquered.”
There had been suggestions that the largely leave-voting population of the area might have some regrets since it emerged that they’re all going to starve miserably to death, but locals insist the opposite is true.
“Mad” Barry Renfield, spokesloon for the pressure group Workers for Famine, maintained that the Brexit camp in the area had never been stronger.
”Yes, we might lose a few jobs. Lots of jobs. In fact, all the jobs. But we won’t be losing them to foreigners.”
”Apart from in the sense that the work we were hitherto employed to do will now be undertaken by a workforce in Japan, but that subtlety has completely eluded me.”
”In any case, there will always be work to do. Picking scraps of flesh off rotting corpses with a charred bone might not be what we thought we’d be doing, but we support it 100%, and we’ll roll our sleeves up. If we haven’t had to eat them to fend off starvation a few agonising days more.”
“Yes, the young will eat the old, the wolves will eat both, and piles of ash and excrement will tower over the remains of our homes, but we totally knew that when we voted!”
“It’s not all doom and gloom anyway. I’ve heard whispers there’s a German company moving into town. Funny name – ‘Schaden’ something? ‘…freude’, is it? Do they make fridges?”
“These emergency evacuation plans have been in existence since the cold war but have now been repurposed in the event of civil disorder following a no-deal Brexit,” the Sunday Times said, quoting an unnamed source from Cloud City on the gas planet of Bespin.
Jacob Rees-Vader, Sith Lord and keen supporter of Brexit, told the Mail on Sunday he believed the plans showed unnecessary panic by officials over a no-deal Brexit.
But an ex-police officer formerly in charge of royal protection disagreed. “If there were problems in London, clearly the Queen would be well-protected in carbonite” he was quoted as saying.
“If she survives the freezing process, that is.”
Sans urinals, the statue had been much criticised, with supporters outnumbered by doubters claiming that as Thatcher did so little for the wider community it would not be appropriate to celebrate her in a public space.
“Now we’ve come up with this idea, no-one can say it’s not good for the people of the town,” explained local councillor R. M. Renfield.
“You can simply admire her as a powerful figure who changed the shape of the country if that’s your bag, or if not, well – it’s very handy if you’re caught short while shopping. A real win-win.”
“It’s also a great time-saver for those of you who were planning to come along and piss on it anyway,” he continued.
“It’s so refreshing to see people from everywhere on the political spectrum getting behind this project. I think it shows that we can all get behind the really important things in life, and perhaps that’s a lesson for all them up at Westminster.”
Large queues are expected of those keen to try out the town’s new amenity first-hand, and locals are being advised to prepare by drinking plenty of water. More than they ever thought it possible to drink.
The US singer’s attempt to ink a tribute to her hit single 7 Rings backfired after social media quickly chimed in to tell her the characters actually translated to shichirin: a small charcoal suppository used to treat inflammation of the rectal area.
Grande, 25, had posted a now-deleted photo of the new body art on Instagram before her fans pointed out the error.
In widely shared screenshots of now-deleted tweets, Grande acknowledged there were missing characters in the tattoo’s text, but noted that the design would not last, as skin on the palm regrows faster than that on the rest of the body and tattoos there usually fade.
She added that the whole incident had a very definite silver lining, as she’s now finally able to sit down comfortably for the first time in years.
But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.
At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.
In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.
“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”
The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.
The Moral Vacuum is designed to have 100% less integrity than rival products, and comes in cordless, bagless, spineless and gutless models.
“It’s a very simple concept”, explained one of the company’s senior engineers, shortly before packing his bag and high-tailing it out of the shitstorm his boss helped provoke.
“You just place the Dyson Moral Vacuum ™ into a country where people are struggling to cope with ideologically-driven austerity, and watch as all rational debate is sucked out, leaving the public debate 100% free of common sense, and replaced with whiter than white fear of foreigners.”
“It’s also amazing at reducing stubborn tax bills to nothing!”
Dyson’s panic run to the other side of the world comes at a time when many big companies are mysteriously moving their operations out of the UK. Sony is moving its European headquarters deep into the dope-smoking centre of Amsterdam, where apparently people make more sense than here, while P&O Ferries have just announced that their name now stands for Pissing Off.
Police have dramatically called off all search operations in the Gatwick area after the first confirmed photograph emerged of the mystery “drone” which has brought chaos to the airport.
After days of unconfirmed sightings, officials were beginning to question whether the mystery flying object actually existed. This changed on Christmas Eve, when a passenger booked on flight HAR666 for Dunstable came forward with a clear photograph of a bearded object being propelled through the Gatwick sky by what appeared to be a team of reindeer.
“I saw it clear as day,” explained Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold. “Obviously some clever mechanical flying device done up to take the shape of a large merry gentleman with a large sack on what I can only describe as a sleigh.”
“I could even hear the motor whirring from where I was sitting on the airport observation deck. You couldn’t miss it, a kind of loud HOOOOOOOOOOing noise. Followed by a couple more.”
Authorities have insisted that the new photographic evidence does not indicate a threat, and that they have actually decided to cancel all search operations.
“My men and I are professionals,” insisted Detective Inspector Partridge of Gatwick Airport police. “We’re as keen as anyone to bring this mystery flyer to justice, but we have to consider the painstaking months we’ve all spent compiling our Christmas present list, and quite frankly none of us are prepared to put that in jeopardy.”
“Personally, I asked him for a ride-on mower, and I’m buggered if I’m getting on the naughty list for the sake of a few disgruntled holidaymakers.”
Theatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.
Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.
Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.
Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.
When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.
Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.
As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena, a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.
Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”
Type 2 diabetes sufferers around the UK are waiting eagerly for the traditional Coca-Cola festive truck, which tours the country each Christmas season handing out free cola and insulin pens to the needy.
Type 1 diabetes has a strong family link, cannot be prevented and has nothing to do with lifestyle. The type 2 variant, however, is more prevalent in overweight people with high blood pressure, insufficient physical activity and a poor, sugary diet.
“Those are our people!” explained Coca-Cola UK chief executive Ron Cavity. “And it fills me with Christmas joy that this year we’ll be going round the country giving out sugary drinks and treatment to stabilise skyrocketing blood glucose levels.”
“Not many people know this, but the original Saint Nicholas weighed over 24 stone, had blood pressure up the wazoo and liked nothing better than a refreshing glass of carbonated water with high-fructose corn syrup, caffeine and phosphoric acid. Not forgetting caramel colour (E150d) of course! Ho Ho Ho!”
Cola fans of all ages are expected to line the streets in expectation, from the youngest only-slightly-overweight schoolboy to the oldest blindest double amputee.
Critics complaining that the whole exercise is a shameless marketing stunt were left mollified after it was pointed out that a good amount of what the average family would spend on cola over the year would be recouped in cancelled payments to the tooth fairy.
“You can’t put rot under your pillow!” explained one expert.
The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.
The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.
From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.
“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.
“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”
“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”
President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.
The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.
In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.
France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.
It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.
Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.
With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.
“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone. Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.
“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading
Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.
“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”
Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.
“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”
Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”
The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading
With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.
“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but Continue reading
NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.
“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”
“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading
“I’ve no idea what WTO means” agreed part-time village idiot Alec Fairchild today “but I’m sure Jacob Rees-Mogg has my best interests at heart and he is definitely not betting against the UK by setting up loads of businesses in Dublin.”
“Of course you have to have rules,” Fairchild acknowledged, speaking at Harold’s Squirrel Lickers Arms, where he’s pub-bore in residence.
“If Anthony Joshua just went round beating people up at random he’d never get anywhere Continue reading
A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.
Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.
Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.
As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.
“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”