Category Archives: News

Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

Comments Off on Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Health, News

Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day

A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.

“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”

“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading

Comments Off on Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Filed under charity, News

Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

THREE women on Breakfast TV at the same time? This way madness lies

Men who seldom vote other than on X Factor have said ‘what everyone else is thinking’ which is that we’ve all had enough of women moaning about equality. Apparently.

Broadcast media, newspapers, and the Daily Mail have marked the centenary of some women getting the vote by using mostly women presenters and journalists, highlighting the lack of equality on the other 36,500 days since, give or take Continue reading

Comments Off on Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

Filed under News, Politics

Car crashes distance themselves from Theresa May’s government

‘Look out, May’s about!” Anyone else hearing a screech of brakes and tyres?

A spokesman for Britain’s car crashes has objected to them being linked to Mrs May’s government, claiming that the comparisons are unfairly bringing car crashes into disrepute.

“It’s just lazy journalism.” said Jeff Trundle “Why not use plane crash, war zone, or a zombie apocalypse? All much more apt but no. Car crash is all we ever read about, just after Theresa May gets out of bed each morning and starts working her way through that day’s list of cock ups.”

“What is often overlooked, Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Media, News, Politics

IDS: ‘leaked Brexit reports don’t include value of unicorn sh*t’

I was right, tens of thousands died

Fierce self-flagellator Iain Duncan Smith says findings in a leaked government report are flawed, as they don’t factor in revenues from unicorn shit, which will form the basis of a vibrant post-brexit economy.

Duncan Smith was responding to leaked government reports which suggest the UK economy will be wrecked by Brexit “All government forecasts are inaccurate” chuckled the former Tory leader “I read lots which said thousands would die as a result of my reforms at DWP but I knew they were wrong. And I was proved right, tens of thousands died. Admittedly, it might have been more but Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, News

Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘Kyle Edmund would have won if he’d been more upbeat’

‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’

Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.

Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, EU referendum, News, Politics

(Captain) Henry Bolton refuses to abandon sinking shits

Henry Bolton in happier times

Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.

“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but Continue reading

Comments Off on (Captain) Henry Bolton refuses to abandon sinking shits

Filed under News, Politics

UKIP MEP quits, after finding UKIP is full of homophobic racist twats

Looks like the chap next door on his way to court but apparently not

A bloke you’ve never heard of has resigned from UKIP, after gradually realising that past, current, and potential party leaders are a bunch of infighting homophobes and racists.

Jonathan Arnott (that’s him) is apparently MEP for the North East of England and says UKIP “shifted” its stance on religious and cultural issues.

“It was a great shock to me, as you might imagine.” said Arnott. “There was nothing in the party’s history which gave a hint of the festering hatred and bile, lurking far below the surface. OK, perhaps Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics

Orange-u-tan blocked from UK

Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour

An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.

The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Animals, Donald Trump, News, Politics

‘Oy! Stop clogging up our corridors! Jeremy Hunt tells selfish dying patients

“Social care? No, not a clue, do tell.”

Jeremy Hunt has called on the dying and their nearest and dearest to ‘play fair’ and stop calling ambulances in the last hours of their lives.

“We only get a finite amount of life,” said Health and Social Care (no really) Secretary Jeremy Hunt “so it does no good if those who’ve already had their three score and ten – make that three score if you’re poor – insist on clogging up hospital corridors.”

“Wide corridors, I might add, which might otherwise be leased to Costa Coffee or Pret a Manger. Or maybe something novel, say a vintage marmalade Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Oy! Stop clogging up our corridors! Jeremy Hunt tells selfish dying patients

Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Jeremy Hunt on his decision to stay: “I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet.”

“I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet”

Offered a move to the business department yesterday, Jeremy Hunt convinced the PM that though the NHS is on its knees, it still needs at least one more big push before complete privatisation is guaranteed.

Mrs May accepted that Hunt was doing a cracking job of buggering up the health service but was worried some sick and disabled people might survive, so she’s Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Health, News, NHS

Princes kissing sleeping beauties sends wrong message, says school

“You can tell she wants it.” the Prince told himself

Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.

“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading

Comments Off on Princes kissing sleeping beauties sends wrong message, says school

Filed under breaking news, Children, News

UN finally intervenes in Trump/ Kim Jong-un spat. “Right, here’s the tape measure. Slap your cocks on the desk!”

“I can take it, can he dish it out?”

An exasperated head of the UN has ordered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to get their todgers out and have them measured at the same temperature, under laboratory conditions.

“We’ve had enough of them using metaphors, like the size of their hands or their nuclear weapons strength for the size of their schlongs” said UN Secretary General, António Guterres, “so now’s the time to see if either of them can match eight half-crowns.”

Trump’s obsession with the size of his old man Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under bombs, News, Trump

Grayling on rail fare rises “Buy a second home on expenses, like me.”

Astonishingly, Grayling really is as daft and as honest as he looks

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.

“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under News, Transport

Research shows bad things not made worse by ‘happening at Christmas’

Imagine being stuck in a lift with this prick – at Christmas

Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.

“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.

Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.

“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading

Comments Off on Research shows bad things not made worse by ‘happening at Christmas’

Filed under Christmas, News

Government still full of wankers

The lot of them

Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.

In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.

“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.

“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”

“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”

2 Comments

Filed under News, Politics, Sex

Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote

Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman

Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.

The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.

“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading

Comments Off on Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman

Filed under Entertainment, News

PM’s intervention secures last-minute deal, agreeing to all the EU’s demands

… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.

Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.

“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading

Comments Off on PM’s intervention secures last-minute deal, agreeing to all the EU’s demands

Filed under Brexit, News

“Yes, that’s all gone very well in Jerusalem” says Donald Trump

They’re probably just playing games for fun


Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.

“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”

Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading

Comments Off on “Yes, that’s all gone very well in Jerusalem” says Donald Trump

Filed under News, Trump