This changes everything
Police have dramatically called off all search operations in the Gatwick area after the first confirmed photograph emerged of the mystery “drone” which has brought chaos to the airport.
After days of unconfirmed sightings, officials were beginning to question whether the mystery flying object actually existed. This changed on Christmas Eve, when a passenger booked on flight HAR666 for Dunstable came forward with a clear photograph of a bearded object being propelled through the Gatwick sky by what appeared to be a team of reindeer.
“I saw it clear as day,” explained Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold. “Obviously some clever mechanical flying device done up to take the shape of a large merry gentleman with a large sack on what I can only describe as a sleigh.”
“I could even hear the motor whirring from where I was sitting on the airport observation deck. You couldn’t miss it, a kind of loud HOOOOOOOOOOing noise. Followed by a couple more.”
Authorities have insisted that the new photographic evidence does not indicate a threat, and that they have actually decided to cancel all search operations.
“My men and I are professionals,” insisted Detective Inspector Partridge of Gatwick Airport police. “We’re as keen as anyone to bring this mystery flyer to justice, but we have to consider the painstaking months we’ve all spent compiling our Christmas present list, and quite frankly none of us are prepared to put that in jeopardy.”
“Personally, I asked him for a ride-on mower, and I’m buggered if I’m getting on the naughty list for the sake of a few disgruntled holidaymakers.”
Filed under Christmas, News
Theatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.
Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.
Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.
Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.
When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.
Pro-hard-Brexit Conservatives have had their plans thrown into disarray after their secret rival proposal for exiting the EU was ‘leaked’ by a professional darts player.
Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.
As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena, a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.
Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”
Filed under Brexit, News, Sport
Type 2 diabetes sufferers around the UK are waiting eagerly for the traditional Coca-Cola festive truck, which tours the country each Christmas season handing out free cola and insulin pens to the needy.
Type 1 diabetes has a strong family link, cannot be prevented and has nothing to do with lifestyle. The type 2 variant, however, is more prevalent in overweight people with high blood pressure, insufficient physical activity and a poor, sugary diet.
“Those are our people!” explained Coca-Cola UK chief executive Ron Cavity. “And it fills me with Christmas joy that this year we’ll be going round the country giving out sugary drinks and treatment to stabilise skyrocketing blood glucose levels.”
“Not many people know this, but the original Saint Nicholas weighed over 24 stone, had blood pressure up the wazoo and liked nothing better than a refreshing glass of carbonated water with high-fructose corn syrup, caffeine and phosphoric acid. Not forgetting caramel colour (E150d) of course! Ho Ho Ho!”
Cola fans of all ages are expected to line the streets in expectation, from the youngest only-slightly-overweight schoolboy to the oldest blindest double amputee.
Critics complaining that the whole exercise is a shameless marketing stunt were left mollified after it was pointed out that a good amount of what the average family would spend on cola over the year would be recouped in cancelled payments to the tooth fairy.
“You can’t put rot under your pillow!” explained one expert.
A new plant-based burger that realistically “bleeds” will come fitted with remarkably tasty mock scabs, it was revealed today.
The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.
The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.
From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.
“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.
“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”
“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”
For God’s sake keep the rain off it, boys!
President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.
The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.
In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.
France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.
It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.
Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.
Should’ve gone to Specsavers
With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.
“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone. Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.
“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading
Pfft and harumph
Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.
“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”
Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.
“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”
‘Nina, Tina, who knows?’
Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”
The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading
You looking at me, mate?
With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.
“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but Continue reading
Good Morning Britain
NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.
“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”
“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Smug, Space
We googled ‘idiot’ & ‘complete f*cking idiot’ and one man kept cropping up. Any guesses?
“I’ve no idea what WTO means” agreed part-time village idiot Alec Fairchild today “but I’m sure Jacob Rees-Mogg has my best interests at heart and he is definitely not betting against the UK by setting up loads of businesses in Dublin.”
“Of course you have to have rules,” Fairchild acknowledged, speaking at Harold’s Squirrel Lickers Arms, where he’s pub-bore in residence.
“If Anthony Joshua just went round beating people up at random he’d never get anywhere Continue reading
“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”
A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.
Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.
Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.
As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.
“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”
“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”
Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”
“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading
“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”
The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.
The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading
Holding his head to stop it exploding
With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.
“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo
The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.
“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.
Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”
Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister
The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.
“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.
“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth”
England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”
England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.
“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”
“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”
Filed under News, World Cup
Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training
The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.
“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”
“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading