Category Archives: News

Queen abandons royal robes for Queen’s speech, after humble PM borrows them

“The bloody woman still has my crown”

The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.

The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.

“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading

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Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading

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“I thought I might hold out for weeks!” David Davis celebrates Day 1 cave-in

“I won’t necessarily fold so easily next time. I will of course”

Minister for riding the Brexit bomb, David Davis, is chuffed that he’s already completed his first U-turn on only the first day of Brexit talks.

“No one reveals their hand at the start of negotiations,” chuckled Davis, whose biggest success at wheeler-dealing was getting us to pay for mowing the paddocks at his country house.

“I won’t necessarily fold so easily next time.” he said, after flat-spotting his tyres with the speed of his about-turn on timetabling, before admitting “I will of course, but Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News

Armchair exerciser demands lightweight bike for heavy exercise

If only McKean had the right light equipment

For some reason, an overweight man with plans to cycle his way to fitness is only able to do so on the lightest bike around.

“On an old steel-framed one, forty miles of a Sunday morning would take ages” wheezed William McKean, after his partner noticed he’d been googling ‘Titanium frames for under £1000?’ from the sofa.

Harold’s fattest man, McKean is best known locally as the star of the TV documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News

Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Will no one think of these two? They love wearing all this shit.

Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading

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Breathless nation waits to see what PM won’t take responsibility for today

You need new writers, Prime Minister. We’re available.

People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?

“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading

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May “sanctioned” over missing Queen’s speech

Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times

Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.

“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”

The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading

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Filed under DWP, Election 2017, News, Politics

Daily Mail regrets not being more critical of Jeremy Corbyn

Made no mention of paedophilia

Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of  Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.

“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”

“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading

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PM sacks advisers: “those to blame must pay”

It can’t just be them. Was it you?

Mrs May has punished those to blame for the election debacle, by sacking the people she chose as her advisers.

“Nick and Fiona looked nice but behaved like thugs, which was a perfect fit for me, but they got it all wrong. What I need to know is, who advised me to hire them? Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall quits to spend more time in his imagination

Nuttall plans to spend more time on Nuttall studies after a busy summer

Paul Nuttall VC, DFC, has quit as UKIP leader, to pursue a PhD in Paul Nuttall studies.

“I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in politics, so it’s time to move on.” said Nuttall today, explaining his decision to step down after ten years as party leader.

In the short term, I’m taking a quick holiday with Richard Branson, to chat about old times, but I’ll be back to coach Andy Murray again Continue reading

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PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News

Family day out to Cerne Abbas Giant “ruined” by naked man

OK, let’s get this over with: Looks a bit of a prick. Happy now?

A family’s half term trip to Dorset has ended in tears thanks to the streaking antics of an as yet unidentified thrill seeker.

Richard and Beatrice Cooper, with their young children Dorcas (6) and Wilbur (3) had hoped to take advantage of the school holiday and get some culture in the South West. Staying in Dorchester, they had ‘edutainment’ visits to the Dinosaur Museum, Tank Museum and Max Gate planned.

Also on the itinerary was a trip to the Cerne Abbas Giant. “We’ve always been very open with the children” said Beatrice “and Dorcas is very mature for her age, so we weren’t worried about her seeing the Giant, or his enormous todger. And of course Wilbur has a willy of his own, he knows it’s nothing to giggle about.”

But their hope for historical edification was left in tatters when a naked man streaked across the chalked turf. Richard was horrified. “I had just passed Dorcas the binoculars so that she could take in the full majesty of the iconic erection when it happened. She was in tears. A controversial chalk boner is historical gold, but a random flaccid member bobbing over the fields? It’s too much.”

Local neopagans are disgusted by the streaker, and have sworn to perform “ceremonies” to cleanse the site of unwanted nudity.

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Filed under Culture, Holidays, News

PM vows to reverse Police cuts of David Cameron’s “dreadful” Home Secretary

Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?

Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.

Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.

“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”

It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, News, Police, Politics

May confirms “difficult decisions” means difficult for someone else

“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May

The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.

“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”

“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading

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Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

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“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
Continue reading

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EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading

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Posh parents letting their kids run wild in restaurants now UK’s leading cause of stress

Do they come with a mute button yet? Has science sorted that out?

A new study from the University of Dunstable has confirmed that nothing has a more stressful impact than trying to eat while little Allegras and Milos are allowed to go tonto as their parents knock back the wine and congratulate themselves on how free-spirited their highly gifted progeny are. Continue reading

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NHS budget data report only being delayed “because it’s awful news” says Hunt

Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive

Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.

“Compared to how I’m doing, my  marmalade exporting  was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.

The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.

“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading

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May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?

The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”

“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading

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