For God’s sake keep the rain off it, boys!
President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.
The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.
In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.
France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.
It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.
Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.
‘Nina, Tina, who knows?’
Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”
The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading
“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
More aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamic than Harley originals
In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.
However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.
“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.
“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading
UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.
“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.
Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.
“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”
Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.
“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”
Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour
An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
Look at that face, is that really the so-called Leader of the Free World? We’d prefer Mr Pastry
An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading
The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.
“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.
Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.
“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.
“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”
Look how much more down to earth she is than Trump. Although shortly after this picture was taken Lizard Philip shifted into his true shape and ate the two on the left.
The fireworks are mere farts with tiny sparks and the hot dogs sadness loaded with fried regrets and ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ sauce for many Americans today as they spend the 4th July wondering if ditching the Brits was worth it now it’s lead to President Donald Trump. Continue reading
You think he’d more of a Dementor person really
Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading