Tag Archives: tennis

by | July 3, 2015 · 6:54 am

Andy Murray regrets giving away racquet: ‘I’m going to need it tomorrow’

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Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.

Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.

“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”

Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.

Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.

“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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by | August 31, 2014 · 9:00 am

Andy Murray: “I can be just as miserable playing for an independent Scotland”

andy-murray (2)

“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”

After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading →

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by | December 5, 2013 · 9:55 pm

Mandela crashes out after heroic five set marathon struggle

MandelaAcknowledged as one of the all time greats, Nelson Mandela has retired after a glorious career.

Widely tipped to last the Wimbledon fortnight, it was a shock when the South African finally caved in after a marathon struggle which the entire world watched breathlessly from the edge of their seats. Continue reading →

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by | July 9, 2013 · 11:00 am

Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course

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Murray assumes position for knighting himself

Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.

With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.

“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”

Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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by | June 27, 2013 · 11:00 am

More bloody tennis: Live!

tennis10.45 Hi tennis fans! Welcome to the Evening Harold live blog for today’s ‘action’ at Wimbledon. We’re expecting several over-privileged posh twats on court today, and hopefully at least a few hilarious hissy little fits.

11.00 Not long to wait now. We’re on Court no.1, where the reek of smugness is already radiating off the crowd. Some are wearing ‘fun’ hats, others are tucking into strawberries. Lovely. What a delightful group of tennis aficionados, as opposed to ‘stupefyingly dull pricks’ that Neil from Derby has just suggested by text message. Steady on Neil, you sound like a communist.

11.20 At last it’s time for the official warm-up session, where members of the public practice looking surprised when they’re picked up by the TV cameras. A coach is showing them how to master the ideal combination of delight and embarrassment, without slipping into crude, sexually suggestive hand gestures.

Matt from Surrey tweets: Come on Tim!

Hilarious. Wanker.

11.30 A small man dressed like Alan Partridge has climbed into a massive children’s high chair. Christ knows how much he paid for that ticket. The perverted little freak.

11.32 Boris Becker is next door, practicing doing his German accent. You’re not fooling anyone you know, Boris. You’re ginger for fuck’s sake.

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by | June 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

Defence latest: Royal Marines to be replaced by Wimbledon ball boys

At least in Afghanistan there's less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.

“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading →

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