Tag Archives: Piers Morgan

by | August 13, 2018 · 8:35 am

Solar mission ‘just a trial run’ for exploring Piers Morgan’s enormous smug face

Good Morning Britain

NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.

“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”

“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading →

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by | January 9, 2018 · 9:22 am

Toby Young: arse gets the elbow

“Wow, look at the size of that tit”

The right wing social commentator  and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.

“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”

He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading →

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by | December 21, 2017 · 12:00 pm

Research shows bad things not made worse by ‘happening at Christmas’

Imagine being stuck in a lift with this prick – at Christmas

Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.

“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.

Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.

“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading →

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by | June 20, 2017 · 11:12 am

Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading →

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by | February 20, 2017 · 10:31 am

Piers Morgan quits humanity after criticism

Sneery McSneerface

Piers Morgan has pulled out of existing after a campaign to remove him from the planet raised two hundred signatures, nearly as many as watch ITV’s Good Morning Britain, which he hosts.

In a statement on his Facebook page, Mr Morgan, a former newspaper editor, said he had planned to go on living “for fun” but that a campaign to have him “banned” had been launched. He said it criticised his creative credentials, which was clearly nonsense in the light of his creative description of insider share dealing and telephone hacking, Continue reading →

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by | July 13, 2015 · 9:10 pm

Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

piersmorganagain

His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

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by | December 28, 2014 · 7:30 am

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2014 · 8:00 am

Arsenal celebrate start of next nine years without a trophy

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Players, management, and fans of Arsenal Football Club are celebrating this morning following their success at Wembley in the FA Cup final, marking the beginning of the club’s next nine years without a trophy.

The victory in the competition saw the team lift their first piece of silverware since 2005 and marks the start of a brand new era of quarter-final cup exits, fourth place in the league and the now traditional February capitulation.

Continue reading →

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by | March 23, 2014 · 10:00 am

Millions now suffering from git fatigue says NHS

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To illustrate this story we decided to use the first famous face that would come up when we image searched ‘annoying man’.

In a stark new report on the nation’s health the NHS has revealed that millions of us are now believed to be suffering from git fatigue.

Continue reading →

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by | March 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

I'm used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.

Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading →

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by | February 24, 2014 · 2:04 pm

Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK

Piers_Morgan

The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.

Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading →

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by | February 14, 2014 · 1:16 pm

Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

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Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.

The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
Continue reading →

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by | July 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading →

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by | April 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

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Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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