Category Archives: Economy

by | July 26, 2013 · 8:10 am

Harold leads on Archbishop’s Credit Union push

lunchy

No such thing as a non-deductable lunch

Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.

“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”

In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.

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by | July 18, 2013 · 7:00 am

Goat castrator opens new branch of ‘Wether Spoons’

wether spoon

Wether spoons traditionally used to remove a goat’s plums

A supplier of farmyard castration equipment is opening a ‘Wether Spoons’ in the high street of Harold – but lawyers for a similarly named chain of pubs have complained, claiming they don’t want to be associated with the cutlery used for removing goat testes.

“It’s ridiculous”, claimed Brian Thorvald, a keen amateur castrator. “We sell special sharp spoons that make it easy to whip out a billy-goat’s plums. Once de-balled, the goat is technically known as a ‘wether’, as any fool knows. So what else could you possibly call our business?”

Wether Spoons hopes to launch a whole chain of shops selling sweetbread removers, and this first one will be known as ‘The Moons Under the Bridge’. But Sarah Kildare, a lawyer representing the pub chain, thinks Thorvald is deliberately yanking their chain.
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by | July 16, 2013 · 11:00 am

Fans delighted to be part of JK Rowling’s ‘secret’ bar tab

rowling

Rowling ‘inspired’ by legendary top shelf.

Regulars at a local pub have insisted they have ‘nothing but praise’ for a secret bar tab set up by author JK Rowling. The tab, which runs to some 20 or so pages, reveals a lot about what the woman puts into herself and what she left behind noisily by the bins.

Eddie, landlord at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms, is normally reluctant to offer credit. But with only one good eye and a foul murky fug obscuring the Snug, he’d assumed the stranger sat in front of him was Helen Mirren.

“Even the Salvation Army woman in Harold is a borderline alcoholic, so I’m used to watching people putting a few away”, said Eddie. “But when she knocked back her 15th pint of ‘Butterbeer’, which was basically Vermouth, Lurpak and Baileys, I knew there was something magical about her.”
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by | July 2, 2013 · 7:00 am

Asset stripping government to sell off Stephen Fry

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.

“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading →

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by | June 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

Defence latest: Royal Marines to be replaced by Wimbledon ball boys

At least in Afghanistan there's less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.

“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading →

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by | June 24, 2013 · 11:30 am

Treasury to solve economic crisis by nationalising cinema popcorn

Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth

Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth

Ahead of the spending review announcement in Parliament on Wednesday, details have leaked about the latest plan to get the UK’s economy on track. As well as £11.5bn of additional cuts, George Osborne intends to nationalise the cinema popcorn trade.

“The NHS, MOD and all other government owned acronyms only ever take money from the treasury without giving anything back” the draft of the Chancellor’s statement says.

“Looking into the cinema popcorn trade shows it has a mark-up of nearly 1400%. At it’s retail price, gram-for-gram it has more value than the country’s gold reserves.”

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