Author Archives: malgor

by | October 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

NASA to help solve peel-and-reseal problem

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi, he's a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi. He’s a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

‘We put a monkey in space, a man on the moon and a robot on Mars,’ said NASA boss Charles Bolden, ‘so why, I asked myself at breakfast this morning, can I not open this pack of fry ham?’

While he pulled and twisted the little tab on the corner of the packet and even tried to separate the plastic film from the tab itself with his fingernails, his hash browns had caramelised in the pan to such an extent that a layer of Teflon switched allegiance to form a new chemical compound.   Ultimately, Bolden was left with no option but to stab at the bacon packaging frantically with the kitchen scissors in a convincing re-enactment of the shower curtain scene from Psycho.  ‘That’s when it struck me,’ he continued, ‘maybe it is rocket science after all.’ Continue reading →

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by | October 28, 2013 · 11:00 am

Further furrowing of brows between rival gangs of pacifists

hippies

The negative vibes were too much for some.

Following last night’s confrontation between the Love ‘n’ Peace Gang from Chiggley Moor Lane West and the Buddhist Boys of Chiggley Moor Lane East, more outbreaks of bad vibes and tutting incidents have been reported in nearby areas of Harold today.

Last night’s face-to-face occurred at the Chiggley Moor Lane Central mini-roundabout in a dispute over territorial boundaries, resulting in slightly raised voices and someone saying ‘well, poo to you, then’ before they went their ways, hushing and whispering.

But the situation escalated today when a mob of Make Tea Not War Warriors set up camp on the corner of Chapel Street, provokingly close to the headquarters of the Flower Power Division of the League of Hippies.  ‘Looks like heading for an exchange of frowns for an hour or two,’ tweeted nearby resident Melanie Delaney, soon followed by the ominous update ‘Both sides unrolling yoga mats.’

There followed a battle of minds as both teams first tried to out-meditate the other.  The Make Tea warriors then put on a nicely-choreographed display of basic T’ai Chi positions before the Hippies retaliated by pulling out a folk guitar and launching an endless whining protest song from the sixties.  By the 14th chorus, the Warriors had had enough and disappeared to put the kettle on.

‘They’re a blooming nuisance, these peace gangs,’ said local pensioner Tom Stalling.  ‘They come anywhere near me with leaflets, I’m turning my hearing aid off.’

Home Secretary Theresa May has promised a full crackdown on extremist gangs of fundamental neo-pacifists with the launch of Operation Softly Softly Mr Softy.  ‘Officers from the Met are being specially trained in the use of throat singing,’ she told the House, ‘and will soon be ready to move in, armed with Rescue Remedy Spray, patchouli oil and their own version of a neck massage.’

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by | October 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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by | October 21, 2013 · 4:03 pm

‘One dead badger does not make you a rural community’ EU tells Harold

squirrel_1522169c

The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.

A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels.  ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.

Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness.  But mainly it was because the application was sent in late. Continue reading →

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