Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.
Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading
Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss
The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.
“The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading
After a busy few days where Uganda’s President signed new laws making homosexuality punishable by life in prison, and Ugandan tabloid Red Pepper published a list of 200 alleged gays, the IOC announced that Uganda is now the front-runner to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.
IOC President Thomas Bach said that the Sochi Winter Olympics was a very passable festival of homophobia without quite living up to Vladimir Putin’s hype. The 2018 games in Pyeongchang would likely also be successful given South Korea’s track record of discrimination against gays. But the 2022 Ugandan Winter Olympics promises to be an unprecedented orgy of homosexual intolerance.
Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.
As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.
We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading
Dimitri and Vyacheslav’s is a forbidden love
Vladimir Putin has personally ordered that thousands of stray dogs be exterminated in and around Sochi before the Winter Olympics begin after spotting one “being a bit gay” on an inspection of Fishst Olympic Stadium. Continue reading
The good old days, said no one ever.
Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.
Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this. Continue reading
Jamie, 23 thinks everyone should lighten up over the NSA call-monitoring scandal. “If a powerful man, for example the President of the USA or an elderly Australian, wants to listen in on the rest of us why should we spoil their fun?”
The Sun newspaper has declared obesity to be sexy and today published its first edition with a Page 3 boy rather than the usual if increasingly controversial Page 3 girl.
“It’s a no brainer,” explained editor David Dinsmore. “As the population gets more chunky there’s more and more lads out there with cracking sets of jubblies. So we say don’t be ashamed lads, get ’em out for the er…ladies I guess. And gay blokes. The Sun is a modern newspaper we love all that now.”
“Moobs are where it’s at,” Dinsmore enthused. “Not for me, I’m not a poof, obviously. But lets be honest we’ve all been a bit blurry in the morning and seen pictures of moob pioneers like Vladimer Putin and Simon Cowell and felt a bit of a low down tingle before realising our mistake, haven’t we?” Continue reading
A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.
From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.
The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading
Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right
NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.
“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading