“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”
Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.
“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.
“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading
“I was hoping for someone taller”
“I was hoping for somebody taller like Sean Connery, or at the very least Brad Pitt” said a distraught Cruise after completing a ‘What famous movie star are you?’ Facebook quiz and getting ‘Tom Cruise’.
Cruise said he was starting to wonder whether Facebook quizzes were entirely accurate.
The King hears the news and weeps
Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.
News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.
Staining story widely leaked on internet
The rise of “sew-on” dresses is believed to be behind today’s Oscar debacle which saw numerous movie stars relieve themselves on the red carpet. Fans who queued for hours to catch a glimpse of their favourite stars were left gagging as the glitz and glamour of Hollywood disappeared in a river of pee.
The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.
Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
F I L M R E V I E W
Mariella Buss-Stop gets to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
As an aficionado of all of films in the Hobbit franchise, I was delighted to attend the district premiere of the latest offering at the Harold Empire so I could catch up with the latest adventures of Bilbo, Frodo and Dildo.
Now, it could be down to the effects of a rather jolly lunch or tiredness from last night’s Christmas lock-in but I have to admit to finding the film rather confusing and from the moment I thought I recognised Tom Cruise as Shorty, one of the seven dwarves, I rather lost concentration. Continue reading
Daleks ‘stumped’ by charismatic, short new Doctor.
Actor Tom Cruise was said to be ‘ecstatic’ this morning at the news that he is to become the next Doctor Who, following the decision by Matt Smith to leave the series after three years.
“I can’t explain how excited I am to find out that, unknown to me, I am the twelfth incarnation of the Doctor, thus at last freeing me from this Earthly domain to roam amongst the stars,” he confessed to Hollywood journalists this morning.
“I’d always suspected that I was not from this planet, but instead from somewhere like Gallifrey, where people aren’t afraid to tell the truth and everyone is slightly shorter than they are here.”