Brian: “More and more bloody hipsters, every bloody weekend…”
Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.
Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.
“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”
After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.
Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading
A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith
A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Piss off Charlie
Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.
“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”