Concerns are growing over the conditions facing Sports Direct employees after it emerged that most of them are now spending 12-hour days slaving over the construction of pyramids under the harsh desert sun.
The company has long had a reputation for poor treatment of staff, with zero-hours contracts, below minimum-pay wages and frequent beatings, but this is thought to be the first time that workers have actually been roped to huge blocks of stone and whipped until they dragged them huge distances on crude rollers.
The company controls a wide variety of famous brands, including Dunlop and Slazenger, but never before has it diversified into enormous burial sites.
“My child had to stay at school when he was sick,” complained one anonymous worker, “because we’re not allowed mobile phones at work, so the teachers couldn’t contact me. Also, I was chained to a thousand other slaves, slowing dragging a hundred-ton block of limestone.”
Filed under News, Shopping
Eco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.
With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.
“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018”, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.
“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
A cold block of stone with an empty tomb for a heart
Jobseekers face losing their benefits for three months if they refuse to take roles as pyramid-building slaves, a letter from a Conservative minister has revealed.
For the first time, benefit claimants are at risk of penalties if they do not apply for and accept zero-hours contracts moving giant blocks of stone on crude wooden rollers under the harsh Egyptian sun, according to the new universal credit system.
Last week, the Office of National Statistics revealed that the number of contracts which do not guarantee minimum hours but do guarantee you having your back ripped open by whips while slowly dying of dehydration has reached 1.4 million. Continue reading
Filed under Economy, Pagans
A local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.
The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
Filed under Culture, News