Suitable for vegetarians and even more annoying vegans.
Waitrose has run out of Duchy Originals Brake Grease, after the product was mentioned by the Queen.
Brake Grease is a guilt-free ‘miracle’ oil, which can reduce friction and princesses in busy households. Once the preserve of nobility, in ancient times it was known as ‘the fat of the landed’.
Prince Charles insists that all Duchy-brand products are organic. “One’s brake grease is sustainable, but completely untraceable”, he revealed. Continue reading
Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.
Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.
The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.
The Daily Express editorial team
As following a Crimewatch appeal police detectives work towards hopefully making a major breakthrough in the Madeleine McCann disappearance case a British tabloid has spoken of its longing for the search for the missing nine year old to continue indefinitely.
“We are absolutely desperate for no news,” said Daily Express insider Nicola Simmonds. “We put something about Madeleine McCann on the front page every day. If the case concludes we’ll be buggered.” Continue reading