Waste land may be bought up by NCP.
Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.
“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go. This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”
Rooney is on a roll.
Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.
“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”
With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.
“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
All smiles now, he was probably just overtired
Yaya Toure has ended speculation over his future by confirming that he will stay at Manchester City after the club apologised for not adequately acknowledging his birthday, took him to Disney World and bought him a balloon.
The current African footballer of the year had fuelled speculation that he may leave after a row over the club’s owners ignoring his birthday, but after Manuel Pellegrini cut short his own holiday to take Toure to Orlando all seems to have been forgiven. Continue reading
“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”
Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.
The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.
Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading
After a week he would rather forget, Manchester United boss, David Moyes, will be feeling more pressure this morning following rumours the club’s glory supporters have put in a transfer request.
The fans, many of whom joined the club after the treble winning season in 1999 seem to have taken the same route as striker Robin Van Persie and are looking for a move away from Old Trafford at the first sign of mediocrity.
“I’ve supported the team for every single year of my life, since ’99, and have been to Old Trafford on at least three separate occasions” glory supporter, Bill Treadwell told us.
See this Mike? Get used to it, because you’ll be spending a lot of time together
After apologising to both West Brom and Sunderland for decisions that have gone against them in recent weeks, referee’s chief Mike Riley is now resigned to spending the majority of the rest of his life on the phone apologising to people.
West Brom manager, Steve Clarke, revealed that he had received a phone call from Riley apologising for the controversial penalty that cost his side a win at Stamford Bridge recently. Next on Riley’s list was Sunderland boss, Gus Poyet, who got a call to discuss Wes Brown’s wrongful dismissal last weekend. With the current standard of refereeing, and another round of Premier League fixtures coming up, Riley has been shopping around for a new deal on his mobile contract in anticipation of spending a lot of time on the phone. Continue reading
Warning: this is what happens to your face permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.
Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.
“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading